Never good sleep.

I go to bed, and fall asleep.
Meanwhile, my mom decides that its a good time to get up, stomp down the hallway, do the dishes, turn on the dishwasher, turn on the dryer,  and then open my door and come into my room, wake me up just to tell me that she is going to bed.  Yeah. Great. Thanks.

Mom denies everything?

Mom denies everything?

so lately has been a wreck. Last month was my 18th birthday. I decided to go to Drews house after school... at around 7 pm I was eating dinner at his house, when my mom showed up unannounced and ready to do some damage. She came looking very tense and very hostile. Of course Drews mother let her in, and my mom saw me eating and told me she was here to pick me up. For what reason exactly, I am still not sure. I specifically told her the day before, that i was spending my birthday at Drews house. But she started attacking Drews mom with words, saying things like 'How dare you be so rude and unkind to me. I do everything to make sure my daughter gets here every friday', and blah blah blah blah' for no good reason, she was accusing Drews mother of all this stuff, and Drews mom was just baffled at what was going on, she had no time to defend herself, or say anything. My mom refused to leave and pick me up later, so i had to leave my food and go back to my apartment. The car ride home was disastrous. She was calling Drews mom every word in the book, and making a huge deal of nothing. She was telling me how dare i "hang out with such evil people that want to ruin her life" Every time she tried to make me say something, or agree with her, all i would say was "no." She completely ruined my evening, and my boyfriends evening. I got home and went in my room, closed the door, and did nothing but hear the screaming and crying of my mom for the rest of my birthday night. 

The next day, me and my mom find out that my Grandpa has to have triple bypass surgery, to get excess calcium out of his heart. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and he finally came back home last week. He is doing a lot better. I'm so glad everything went okay. As for my mom, she was freaking out the whole time. She was thinking he was going to die, and she still thinks he is going to die. But he is fine now, his incision is healing up nicely, and he up and walking around again. 

So fast forward to the next month after my birthday, I am in my high school choir. Sometimes i enjoy it, but what i think i enjoy the most about it, is traveling around to different places on choir tour every year. Its a good way to see new places, for an amazing price. Anyways, I had a concert last week after school. My mom needed to take me there. As we were driving, my mom decided to take the long way. I told her to go straight because it was the fastest way, but she still took a right. So i told her to please not do that next time. I wanted to get there on time. My mom got angry with me in the car because i told her off. She started yelling at me, and putting all her problems on me and stuff, right before my concert. I told her to stop, because it make making me upset and stressed out. More than i needed to be. She refused to stop, and just kept on talking and yelling ever so slightly louder every time i told her to stop. I started yelling at her to stop, because she was yelling so hard that she would not be able to hear me say stop. Finally, she got what she wanted. She wanted me to snap. And i did. I screamed at her to please stop. At that she pulled over on the side of the road, and told me to get out. I was wearing a long black chiffon dress, and 3 inch heels. I told her to keep driving, but she refused, I asked if she really wanted me to get out on the side of the road and walk in my outfit. She said yes. So that's exactly what i did. I got out of the car, and walked. She drove off. There was no sidewalk, and it was raining. I walked about 1 and a half miles before someone finally saw me and stopped to pick me up. Apparently a lot of people in choir saw me walking, but just kept on driving. I was cold, my hair was messed up, my makeup smeared from crying. It was not fun. I pulled myself together and got on stage and sang. I felt better, and we did great. Although i had no ride to get home. I had not received one text or call from my mom that night during the concert, and she obviously never showed up to it. 

I had a friend drive me home. I was expecting her to be home, But she wasn't. I was not prepared to have this happen, and i had no pockets so i did not bring my key with me. So I had to have my friend drive me to my Grandparents house. They were so happy to see me... and then i told them what had happened. They got upset. My grandma or my grandpa were in no position to take me home... They were both stressed out enough as it was. So I had to wait for my mom to get back home and pick me up. She went home, but she refused to pick me up from their house. Her excuse was that she broke one of her contacts so she is unable to drive. But she was gone when i got there, so she was driving around all day today. I was stuck in my uncomfortable dress and bra waiting for a ride that didn't show up. My grandparents had to call their neighbor and ask them to take me home. They were very kind and agreed to take me home. By the time i got home it was 11:00 pm, on a school night. My mom answered the door, and didn't say a word to me. I was angry and upset and i just wanted to sleep.

The next day she acted as if nothing had happened. She saw that i was upset, and told me to put the past behind me and forgive her, because that's what family does is forgive each other. She told me that she had to do what she did, because she was too stressed out and she told me that I was the one who was yelling at her, so she dropped me off on the side of the road. She completely denied that any of it was her fault, and it was like she was telling herself that she was doing everything perfectly right. 

My mom tried to go over to my grandparents house today, and they refused to talk to her, or let her use their phone. Today my mom went off on me... she came in here saying that my grandma and grandpa are getting old and crazy and that they think she is and abusive. She said "You know i am not abusive, I am a good mother, and I do everything i can for you. I am not abusive. Right?! You know i am not abusive right?!!!" I just kind of mumbled, and shook my head. If i told her that i thought she is abusive, she would attack me. Saying things like 'How could you say that about your own mother, You hate me don't you? Why don't you just tell me to die.' and stuff like that. She told me not to complain about her to my grandma, because they will find every little excuse to not give her money. I told her, that if i am feeling upset, then i will talk to someone about it, whether she likes it or not. She got angry at me and said "how could you say that, you know i am going through a hard time right now, you are such a little selfish brat. Why do you hate me so much? If you keep on slandering me to your grandma, you'll make my life hell. You already my my life hell. All i am asking if for you to stop complaining to her. If you don't i will kill myself. "

I told her that she was blackmailing me. she said "That is NOT blackmail. That is how i really feel. why don't you take my feeling seriously, This is important.If you don't respect my feelings, then go move out." I told her i was working on trying to move out. She got angry at me for saying i was going to move out and yelled some more foul mouthed words at my face. At that point i had enough, and i told her to leave my room. She stood at the door of my room and kept yelling at me to have her good old final killing heart stabbing words, an then she went off to her room and cried and screamed. If fact i think she is still doing so right now. But I'm blasting my ears right now with music. 

On a more happy note, I am going to Canada for choir tour next week, and i am very excited to have a little vacation time away from everything. I so excited to get Canadian candy, and buy tons of it and not share one little bit of it. 

Until text time :)

-Amber

Sign this for me!!!! please!!!!

http://www.petition2congress.com/1788/unfair-child-support-laws/



please sign this... this is what is happening to me right now... I am in school still, and i am 18. If i move out, My mom will still get child support from my dad. It is wrong, and she does not use the money to support me in the first place.

Trying to make the little things count

i thought that picture was a nice way to put how my mom talks with me.



I haven't made a post in a very long time. Talking about my mom is hard to do, when it just feels like you are complaining about her every day. She does the same things, over and over again, that it just gets old, and i am used to it.
Things have gotten rough for me the past 2 months. It is almost the end of the semester and so my school work is sky high. It is so hard to keep up with 6 classes, and 5 different things in each class. Especially for someone like me, who is very simple minded, and i get overwhelmed quite easily. If i miss one thing, i fall behind significantly.

That being said, I caught a very bad sickness 2 weeks ago, and i was shivering and sweating enormous amounts. I had a high fever of 103.8 to 104 at times, and it was hard to breathe. When i finally got to the doctor, they diagnosed me wrong, with the stomach flu, because i had barfed a few times. Well later that night, i felt so bad, that i told my mom that i need to go to the emergency room. Of course it took her and hour and a half just to get ready to go. when i got there i had a 104 degree fever, and a UTI infection. they took my x-ray and found that i had pneumonia in my lower left lung. I felt so uncomfortable. I was in the hospital for a few hours and then i went back home with antibiotics. I missed quite a few days of school, which resulted in me being behind in my schoolwork and projects. The stress in my life has been crazy lately. I had a group project with a few of my friends, and things were getting really stressful. I felt a lot of pressure on me to do this project, and get it done. It was hard because i am very good at procrastinating, and it doesn't help when your mom wants constant attention, and if you don't she will make you feel like shit, which further enhances the procrastination. So i was basically not doing enough work, and the group split me up, which i don't mind in all seriousness, because i wont feel that constant pressure and guilt if i don't fully get something done in my group.

I have been gone from school, and i don't know what do do in my projects. I have 3 projects. It seems like all my teachers got together and said  "hey, lets have projects due all in the same week!" For my English project, my teacher came up to me and said "you do know how Important this project is, correct?" so, my teachers have been putting pressure on me as well.

on Friday after school i went to my boyfriends house. He is the one thing that makes me happy in my life. He is so caring and kind and sweet to me, I could never imagine anything better than him. His mom is very strict though, and just tolerates me it seems. Its hard to make a time for me to come over sometimes, and Drews mom will not let us be in a room alone together, in fear of him becoming a cave man aggressive teenage boy towards me. Which is understandable i guess, but i don't think he would do that. My mom picked me up at exactly 10:00 pm and then she said she had to go to the store. And then she changed her mind and went to mic donalds because she was "starving". She eats very unhealthy foods, and NEVER cooks. My diet consists of TV dinners all week, and home cooked meals on Friday and Sunday, SOMETIMES. If i go to Drews, or my grandmas house.
Well i was a little annoyed with my mom, cause we have been going to get fast food a lot lately, and my mom has very little money, and she spends her money wrong. She never saves her money, and ever since i got a bank account, i have been having to buy EVERYTHING that i need or want. I even buy my mom things that she needs sometimes. My money is running low because of Christmas gifts, and just things we have needed. I got my mom a better Christmas gift than the one she got me. In fact, she got me a 5 dollar gift card to Starbucks. I got her a 15 dollar Burt's bees set on sale. Burt's bees is her favorite cosmetics brand.

Later that night, my mom came into my room at about 1:00 and yelled at me, told me that i hate her, and that i never do anything for her. That she revolves her life around me, and she is sick and tired of being mistreated and disrespected as a mother. She told me that she was going to call my dad and tell him that she is leaving me, so i need to go live with him. I told her that it would be extremely hard for me to just leave my school, my boyfriend, and my friends. She didn't give a shit. I have been nothing but nice to her lately, and at dinner i sat next to her while she ate her McDonalds and tried to make small talk with her. And then she goes off on me at 1:00 in the morning. She is punishing me for what exactly?

She was accusing my boyfriend of things, like ruining her job, and that he has taken me away from her, that he hates her and wants her gone. all because they haven't invited my mom over to their house with me. If my mom was with me at drews place, i would feel so awkward and tense. She would be scary,  and she would accuse the family of things.

Later my mom left, and i threw up, because of the antibiotic, and i am still a little sick. My lung is not completely cleared up yet. I got so hungry while she was gone, that i started de-thawing chicken in the microwave to cook. Then my mom came home and said "lets go to parera bread!" so i left the chicken in the microwave to de-thaw, and then we left. When we got back, my mom opened the microwave and screamed at the top of her lungs. "AMBER!!!! AMBERRRRR!! GET THAT FUCKING PIECE OF CHICKEN OUT OF THE MICROWAVE NOW! I CANT COOK ANYTHING IN THERE ANYMORE. THAT IS SO GROSS!" she screamed at me and screamed at me while i took the chicken out of the microwave and back in the freezer. she started saying things like "you did that on purpose, and blah blah blah." The chicken was on a plate covered in plastic wrap, and a paper towel, But she still made me wash out the entire microwave with a soapy scrubber, and then disinfect it with alcohol. She still refuses to use the microwave now.
She has been telling me over and over today that she is going to go move to anther state, and that i will be fine on my own because she cant take it over here. She said she wants to move because my boyfriend is making her life hell, and that people think she is retarded. she yelled at me, like it was my fault, and accused my friends, people i know, my dad, and my boyfriend of ruining her life and making her want to move out of this state.
I felt like a failure. My mom has been putting so much stress on me, that i cant even focus, or do any of my work. I am so stressed at depressed and my mom is definitely not helping.
My mom later demanded for my pain meds that i got from my pneumonia visit, and i said no, so she grabbed my non-prescription Tylenol.
Her boyfriend ordered her a new laptop, but she tried to use mine while i was gone, and she doesn't respect my belongings, she thinks that everything i own is hers to touch and use.
While i was trying to get work done, she came in and tried to bribe me 10 dollars for me to go in the store for her and return a pair of pants that she bought.
 I'm not going to let my mom treat me like she owns me and that she can do whatever to me and my belongings. My resolution this year, is trying to slow down, and enjoy the little things in life. I have been stressing out so much, that i already found a gray hair in my head. Im 17, i dont need to stress so much. Its my life, not my moms. I really do have to keep repeating this to myself, because i often forget that my mom is the problem. Not me.