Mom denies everything?

Mom denies everything?

so lately has been a wreck. Last month was my 18th birthday. I decided to go to Drews house after school... at around 7 pm I was eating dinner at his house, when my mom showed up unannounced and ready to do some damage. She came looking very tense and very hostile. Of course Drews mother let her in, and my mom saw me eating and told me she was here to pick me up. For what reason exactly, I am still not sure. I specifically told her the day before, that i was spending my birthday at Drews house. But she started attacking Drews mom with words, saying things like 'How dare you be so rude and unkind to me. I do everything to make sure my daughter gets here every friday', and blah blah blah blah' for no good reason, she was accusing Drews mother of all this stuff, and Drews mom was just baffled at what was going on, she had no time to defend herself, or say anything. My mom refused to leave and pick me up later, so i had to leave my food and go back to my apartment. The car ride home was disastrous. She was calling Drews mom every word in the book, and making a huge deal of nothing. She was telling me how dare i "hang out with such evil people that want to ruin her life" Every time she tried to make me say something, or agree with her, all i would say was "no." She completely ruined my evening, and my boyfriends evening. I got home and went in my room, closed the door, and did nothing but hear the screaming and crying of my mom for the rest of my birthday night. 

The next day, me and my mom find out that my Grandpa has to have triple bypass surgery, to get excess calcium out of his heart. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and he finally came back home last week. He is doing a lot better. I'm so glad everything went okay. As for my mom, she was freaking out the whole time. She was thinking he was going to die, and she still thinks he is going to die. But he is fine now, his incision is healing up nicely, and he up and walking around again. 

So fast forward to the next month after my birthday, I am in my high school choir. Sometimes i enjoy it, but what i think i enjoy the most about it, is traveling around to different places on choir tour every year. Its a good way to see new places, for an amazing price. Anyways, I had a concert last week after school. My mom needed to take me there. As we were driving, my mom decided to take the long way. I told her to go straight because it was the fastest way, but she still took a right. So i told her to please not do that next time. I wanted to get there on time. My mom got angry with me in the car because i told her off. She started yelling at me, and putting all her problems on me and stuff, right before my concert. I told her to stop, because it make making me upset and stressed out. More than i needed to be. She refused to stop, and just kept on talking and yelling ever so slightly louder every time i told her to stop. I started yelling at her to stop, because she was yelling so hard that she would not be able to hear me say stop. Finally, she got what she wanted. She wanted me to snap. And i did. I screamed at her to please stop. At that she pulled over on the side of the road, and told me to get out. I was wearing a long black chiffon dress, and 3 inch heels. I told her to keep driving, but she refused, I asked if she really wanted me to get out on the side of the road and walk in my outfit. She said yes. So that's exactly what i did. I got out of the car, and walked. She drove off. There was no sidewalk, and it was raining. I walked about 1 and a half miles before someone finally saw me and stopped to pick me up. Apparently a lot of people in choir saw me walking, but just kept on driving. I was cold, my hair was messed up, my makeup smeared from crying. It was not fun. I pulled myself together and got on stage and sang. I felt better, and we did great. Although i had no ride to get home. I had not received one text or call from my mom that night during the concert, and she obviously never showed up to it. 

I had a friend drive me home. I was expecting her to be home, But she wasn't. I was not prepared to have this happen, and i had no pockets so i did not bring my key with me. So I had to have my friend drive me to my Grandparents house. They were so happy to see me... and then i told them what had happened. They got upset. My grandma or my grandpa were in no position to take me home... They were both stressed out enough as it was. So I had to wait for my mom to get back home and pick me up. She went home, but she refused to pick me up from their house. Her excuse was that she broke one of her contacts so she is unable to drive. But she was gone when i got there, so she was driving around all day today. I was stuck in my uncomfortable dress and bra waiting for a ride that didn't show up. My grandparents had to call their neighbor and ask them to take me home. They were very kind and agreed to take me home. By the time i got home it was 11:00 pm, on a school night. My mom answered the door, and didn't say a word to me. I was angry and upset and i just wanted to sleep.

The next day she acted as if nothing had happened. She saw that i was upset, and told me to put the past behind me and forgive her, because that's what family does is forgive each other. She told me that she had to do what she did, because she was too stressed out and she told me that I was the one who was yelling at her, so she dropped me off on the side of the road. She completely denied that any of it was her fault, and it was like she was telling herself that she was doing everything perfectly right. 

My mom tried to go over to my grandparents house today, and they refused to talk to her, or let her use their phone. Today my mom went off on me... she came in here saying that my grandma and grandpa are getting old and crazy and that they think she is and abusive. She said "You know i am not abusive, I am a good mother, and I do everything i can for you. I am not abusive. Right?! You know i am not abusive right?!!!" I just kind of mumbled, and shook my head. If i told her that i thought she is abusive, she would attack me. Saying things like 'How could you say that about your own mother, You hate me don't you? Why don't you just tell me to die.' and stuff like that. She told me not to complain about her to my grandma, because they will find every little excuse to not give her money. I told her, that if i am feeling upset, then i will talk to someone about it, whether she likes it or not. She got angry at me and said "how could you say that, you know i am going through a hard time right now, you are such a little selfish brat. Why do you hate me so much? If you keep on slandering me to your grandma, you'll make my life hell. You already my my life hell. All i am asking if for you to stop complaining to her. If you don't i will kill myself. "

I told her that she was blackmailing me. she said "That is NOT blackmail. That is how i really feel. why don't you take my feeling seriously, This is important.If you don't respect my feelings, then go move out." I told her i was working on trying to move out. She got angry at me for saying i was going to move out and yelled some more foul mouthed words at my face. At that point i had enough, and i told her to leave my room. She stood at the door of my room and kept yelling at me to have her good old final killing heart stabbing words, an then she went off to her room and cried and screamed. If fact i think she is still doing so right now. But I'm blasting my ears right now with music. 

On a more happy note, I am going to Canada for choir tour next week, and i am very excited to have a little vacation time away from everything. I so excited to get Canadian candy, and buy tons of it and not share one little bit of it. 

Until text time :)

-Amber

Out of place

Out of place

So lately my mom has been a bit better. Until today. Today she attacked me. 

I went to take out the trash, but i looked in the trash to find all of our Ikea pots and pans that we bought last month in the trash. I don't understand my moms logic, but she told me that Ikea pots and pans are made for a specific type of stove, and that they are not made for our stove, because our stove is too old. I told her that that was ridiculous, and that i use the pots all the time on our stove and they are fine. So i took them out of the garbage and set them on the counter next to the sink. What i didn't know is that my mom had cleaned a space off where the dishes are supposed to go, for her coffee pot. the pans were not touching the coffee pot in any way. She yelled at me for putting the pans on the counter claiming that they were too dirty to be put there next to the cleaned space for her coffee pot. She asked me why i never listen to her, and why i don't obey what she does. I told her that the pots where perfectly fine, and that there was no reason whatsoever to throw them out, and i told her that i didn't know that she set up the coffee machine right next to the dishes, and i just put the pots there to wash later. It didn't matter what i said to her, because she doesn't care about what i have to say. she is always right no matter what. If i had put the pots in the sink, she would have gotten mad at me for putting them in the sink. She threw the pots back in the garbage, and took the garbage out. so now we have no pots or pans to cook anything with. 

Later, I went with my mom to pick up a prescription at rite aid drug store, and i was looking at chap-stick when my mom came up to me with an eyeliner pencil and asked if i could buy it for her. It was one of the more expensive roll up eyeliners instead of the pencil. I asked her why she needed it, and she said she has work in two days, and wants to look professional. when i asked why i cant buy her one of the 99 cent eyeliners, she said that her eyes are really sensitive and that she cant wear those kind. so i ended up buying her a 5 dollar eye liner roll up, and she already owes me like 55 bucks. And if i didn't buy it for her, she would have a hissy fit.

when i got home, i was eating a disgusting TV dinner that my mom bought for me, and she made me sit and eat it at the table with her... but she talks non-stop, and when i try to talk to her, i feel like she goes in wonderland and stops listening to me, and when i am done, she brings up a completely new topic from her life. so when i was done eating, i threw my tv dinner in the trash, and told her i was going into my room to relax. She didn't say anything in reply, so i went into my room and closed the door. About 5 minutes later, she opens my door holding the trash can and asked me why i put food in the trash when there wasn't a trash bag in it. I didn't know that there wasn't a trash bag in the garbage, and i saw other things in the trash when i threw my things in there, so i figured it was fine. I told her that i was sorry, and that i didn't know there wasn't a trash bag. She proceeded to chew me out more, and she told me that it is really disrespectful, and that i need to respect her more, and that it is really bitchy and rude to make her clean and that she has to do all the work all the time. she was screaming and screaming at me, and i kept on telling her in a calm voice, i am sorry, please stop yelling at me. Over and over, until i snapped, and a mean evil Amber came out. I yelled at her back to shut up. at that moment, i wanted to slap her, and slammed my door instead. I wanted to be left alone. I felt so hurt, and so manipulated, she kept on screaming at me through my barricaded door, telling me how worthless i am, and how i ruined her life by calling CPS on her. At that point i was sobbing in a corner. I yelled at her that i wanted to kill myself. I felt utterly defeated, like nothing i do will make my mom happy, like i am just a miserable failure misfit. She had no soft spot for me telling her i wanted to kill myself. she just continued to spit vile words into my ears through my door. If i had something to kill myself in my room, i would have grabbed it. My mom got what she wanted. She wanted to manipulate me, and make me feel like a misfit, that doesn't belong anywhere. The yelling finally stopped, and i herd her washing the garbage out in my bathroom tub, just to execute her point further. 

15 minutes later she pushes my door open, and says in the calmest voice "I seriously need you to think about living with your dad. I don't feel welcome here,  and the only reason i live in Kent is because of you, so that you can stay close to your boyfriend and school. But what is the point if you are turning everyone against me, and i cant even get the job i was trained for because of you. Your boyfriend and his mom hate my guts, and i need to know why you would call CPS on me."

I said nothing, and she left to go run "errands" 

I have school tomorrow, and i feel extremely depressed, and my eyes are puffy and red from crying. I guess i will just go to school in the morning, and ignore my mom as much as possible... although i doubt it will work since i live in the same place as her since i am a minor, and i don't have a job, or know how to live out on my own. 

wish me good luck, cause i tend to have bad luck with EVERYTHING 

Life continues on

As i look back and reflect on what happened today with my mother, it was basically a huge misunderstanding that really shouldn't have happened in the first place on my moms part. My mom DECIDED to make a huge deal out of me asking to turn her music down. She could have said "okay" and turned it off and left it at that, but instead she decided to start yelling at me, and assuming that i have been ruining her life, just because i asked her to turn down her music. Any logical person would get angry if somebody decided to make a big deal out of nothing and then start Accusing you of things that are completely paranoid, and way of the assortment of the argument. and then she proceeded to continue screaming and blowing up in my face about things that don't meet her lifestyle. Problems that she has with me, and telling me i have anger issues because i got angry at her for completely blowing up in my face for no reason. I had a TON of homework today. I hardly got anything done because i was stuck in my room trying to calm the fuck down. So, tomorrow will be hell for me at school. i am SO looking forward to it! (not). I always ask myself, why me? why cant i have a normal mom that wouldn't act like a teenager all the fucking time (staying up and not giving a shit if they are loud, listening to tween music all day, making illogical requests and arguments, will not explain their thoughts or feelings, and think you are intimidating if you ask them to explain)

I learn to live like this every day. My life revolves around my mom, and she constantly takes my personal belongings, my clothes, jewelry, lotions, makeup, shampoo, etc... and then the things that are really important to me, but my mom doesn't give a shit about, she decides to throw it away while i am gone. My boyfriend gave me a very tropical house plant, and i live in Washington, so it is VERY cold outside most days. My mom decided to put my tropical plant outside on the deck without my permission while i was gone, EVEN though i specifically told her that it was a tropical indoor plant, that dies in cold weather. I came home to a cold tropical plant out on the deck. luckily it survived, and i chewed my mom out and told her not to do that. A few days later, Guess what she does. SHE FUCKING PUTS IT OUTSIDE AGAIN. god damn i feel like a broken record when i talk to her. She thinks that bugs will get in the house and give us a disease. Good god.