Trying to make the little things count

i thought that picture was a nice way to put how my mom talks with me.



I haven't made a post in a very long time. Talking about my mom is hard to do, when it just feels like you are complaining about her every day. She does the same things, over and over again, that it just gets old, and i am used to it.
Things have gotten rough for me the past 2 months. It is almost the end of the semester and so my school work is sky high. It is so hard to keep up with 6 classes, and 5 different things in each class. Especially for someone like me, who is very simple minded, and i get overwhelmed quite easily. If i miss one thing, i fall behind significantly.

That being said, I caught a very bad sickness 2 weeks ago, and i was shivering and sweating enormous amounts. I had a high fever of 103.8 to 104 at times, and it was hard to breathe. When i finally got to the doctor, they diagnosed me wrong, with the stomach flu, because i had barfed a few times. Well later that night, i felt so bad, that i told my mom that i need to go to the emergency room. Of course it took her and hour and a half just to get ready to go. when i got there i had a 104 degree fever, and a UTI infection. they took my x-ray and found that i had pneumonia in my lower left lung. I felt so uncomfortable. I was in the hospital for a few hours and then i went back home with antibiotics. I missed quite a few days of school, which resulted in me being behind in my schoolwork and projects. The stress in my life has been crazy lately. I had a group project with a few of my friends, and things were getting really stressful. I felt a lot of pressure on me to do this project, and get it done. It was hard because i am very good at procrastinating, and it doesn't help when your mom wants constant attention, and if you don't she will make you feel like shit, which further enhances the procrastination. So i was basically not doing enough work, and the group split me up, which i don't mind in all seriousness, because i wont feel that constant pressure and guilt if i don't fully get something done in my group.

I have been gone from school, and i don't know what do do in my projects. I have 3 projects. It seems like all my teachers got together and said  "hey, lets have projects due all in the same week!" For my English project, my teacher came up to me and said "you do know how Important this project is, correct?" so, my teachers have been putting pressure on me as well.

on Friday after school i went to my boyfriends house. He is the one thing that makes me happy in my life. He is so caring and kind and sweet to me, I could never imagine anything better than him. His mom is very strict though, and just tolerates me it seems. Its hard to make a time for me to come over sometimes, and Drews mom will not let us be in a room alone together, in fear of him becoming a cave man aggressive teenage boy towards me. Which is understandable i guess, but i don't think he would do that. My mom picked me up at exactly 10:00 pm and then she said she had to go to the store. And then she changed her mind and went to mic donalds because she was "starving". She eats very unhealthy foods, and NEVER cooks. My diet consists of TV dinners all week, and home cooked meals on Friday and Sunday, SOMETIMES. If i go to Drews, or my grandmas house.
Well i was a little annoyed with my mom, cause we have been going to get fast food a lot lately, and my mom has very little money, and she spends her money wrong. She never saves her money, and ever since i got a bank account, i have been having to buy EVERYTHING that i need or want. I even buy my mom things that she needs sometimes. My money is running low because of Christmas gifts, and just things we have needed. I got my mom a better Christmas gift than the one she got me. In fact, she got me a 5 dollar gift card to Starbucks. I got her a 15 dollar Burt's bees set on sale. Burt's bees is her favorite cosmetics brand.

Later that night, my mom came into my room at about 1:00 and yelled at me, told me that i hate her, and that i never do anything for her. That she revolves her life around me, and she is sick and tired of being mistreated and disrespected as a mother. She told me that she was going to call my dad and tell him that she is leaving me, so i need to go live with him. I told her that it would be extremely hard for me to just leave my school, my boyfriend, and my friends. She didn't give a shit. I have been nothing but nice to her lately, and at dinner i sat next to her while she ate her McDonalds and tried to make small talk with her. And then she goes off on me at 1:00 in the morning. She is punishing me for what exactly?

She was accusing my boyfriend of things, like ruining her job, and that he has taken me away from her, that he hates her and wants her gone. all because they haven't invited my mom over to their house with me. If my mom was with me at drews place, i would feel so awkward and tense. She would be scary,  and she would accuse the family of things.

Later my mom left, and i threw up, because of the antibiotic, and i am still a little sick. My lung is not completely cleared up yet. I got so hungry while she was gone, that i started de-thawing chicken in the microwave to cook. Then my mom came home and said "lets go to parera bread!" so i left the chicken in the microwave to de-thaw, and then we left. When we got back, my mom opened the microwave and screamed at the top of her lungs. "AMBER!!!! AMBERRRRR!! GET THAT FUCKING PIECE OF CHICKEN OUT OF THE MICROWAVE NOW! I CANT COOK ANYTHING IN THERE ANYMORE. THAT IS SO GROSS!" she screamed at me and screamed at me while i took the chicken out of the microwave and back in the freezer. she started saying things like "you did that on purpose, and blah blah blah." The chicken was on a plate covered in plastic wrap, and a paper towel, But she still made me wash out the entire microwave with a soapy scrubber, and then disinfect it with alcohol. She still refuses to use the microwave now.
She has been telling me over and over today that she is going to go move to anther state, and that i will be fine on my own because she cant take it over here. She said she wants to move because my boyfriend is making her life hell, and that people think she is retarded. she yelled at me, like it was my fault, and accused my friends, people i know, my dad, and my boyfriend of ruining her life and making her want to move out of this state.
I felt like a failure. My mom has been putting so much stress on me, that i cant even focus, or do any of my work. I am so stressed at depressed and my mom is definitely not helping.
My mom later demanded for my pain meds that i got from my pneumonia visit, and i said no, so she grabbed my non-prescription Tylenol.
Her boyfriend ordered her a new laptop, but she tried to use mine while i was gone, and she doesn't respect my belongings, she thinks that everything i own is hers to touch and use.
While i was trying to get work done, she came in and tried to bribe me 10 dollars for me to go in the store for her and return a pair of pants that she bought.
 I'm not going to let my mom treat me like she owns me and that she can do whatever to me and my belongings. My resolution this year, is trying to slow down, and enjoy the little things in life. I have been stressing out so much, that i already found a gray hair in my head. Im 17, i dont need to stress so much. Its my life, not my moms. I really do have to keep repeating this to myself, because i often forget that my mom is the problem. Not me.