The DREADED letter

For all my readers, Thank you so much for the support and kindness that you have shown towards my blog. It was so hard for me to actually sit down and take the time to write detailed blogs about my mother. I am so glad i had started this blog, because i have found new hope and support from all of the kind people who read my blogs. I know this blog can be a bit depressing sometimes, and especially for all those who have gone through similar situations as i am going through. I will try to end my blogs on a happy note, instead of thinking about the negative things, i can add something positive to my stream of thoughts. 

The letter my mom wrote: She wrote this letter on the back a piece of paper that she typed up for things and qualities that she thinks she has as well as what she thinks other people thinks she has. 

It reads:

"What people in work internship think about Jennifer s."

 (yes, she changed her last name to her maiden name)

"comfortable with white coats/doctors:"

""you're in the right job""

""wow, i can tell you really like working here""

""how do you think you would feel about working here?""

""I like you. we hope you'll stay""

""You do good work""

""you're very ethical""

"kind and caring"

"sweet"

"gentle"

"thorough at cleaning"

"good manners"

"dispose of things in proper bins"

"observant"

"follow instructions"

"pretty eyes"

"clean [personal hygiene]"

This list just makes me laugh. She was at an internship at a dermatology clinic about 2 years ago. Every day when she came home, she would complain to me about how people didn't like her there, and they NEVER asked her for a job there, or else she would have been working there for at least a week, before she got fired. She is always sweet, and kind and helpful around new, or people with more power than her. She is EXTREMELY good at hiding her Narcissism, towards people she wants to make a good impression on. 

Now, on the the letter on the back, than she freehand wrote to me. It reads:

"To my dear Amber,

My heart is filled with pain. I have so many questions in my mind, why you called CPS on me right after we moved into this apartment. I don't feel getting upset or mad about something is a good reason to report me as your caring, loving mother to "child protective services." I am so confused why you did this and it has affected my social life as a mother in Kent. I have always been protective and a "good" mother to you. I never imagined in my lifetime that my own daughter would do that to me. "Parents" get upset at their kids and get in arguments. "Thats normal". it is "not" a reason to call up agencies and get me into trouble because i "told you off" about something. I had to know "why" when i ask you if "DREW" hates me, why you do not  answer me honestly? And why his mother is so "COLD" to me? What is going on with them? They have "always" been this way with me and i dont understand why. I love you, and i am, and i have stayed in "Kent" so you can go to "KENTWOOD" (my school) and finish there. But you dont want to talk to me ever, and you don't seem to have "any" respect for me as a living human being anymore, even though i am working now, and you treat me like everything i do is wrong, and i am "invalid." I need to know "why"?"

I am going to go through each part of this letter, and dissect it. 

This letter just makes me laugh also. I don't know the reason why she put quotes on a lot of her word choices, But i think it is so ironic and funny that she put quotes around "good" mother. 

Throughout this entire letter, there is no mention whatsoever of how i have been feeling, and she gave this letter to me after i explained to her how i felt like i wanted to kill myself that one day. She makes a point to address the letter in the nicest way possible, to grab my attention to actually reading what she had to say. good on her part, because the "to my dear Amber" did draw me into reading it.

I was thinking about calling CPS sooner, but i didn't have the guts, and i had hoped that when i got back from the vacation at my dads, everything would be a bit calmer, and my mom would settle down and be nice to me for just a little bit. But as soon as i got home, i realized how bad my mom was, compared to me living with my dad for 2 months. She had moved while i was gone, which i was aware of, but i had told her not to throw away ANYTHING of my belongings. Of course, as i had expected, she had thrown away a bit of my stuff, that she didn't think i would notice. On the second day back from my dads, she tried to take wine in a coffee mug with her driving. I put it back in the fridge, but without me knowing, she took it with her, and it was empty by the time we got to visit my grandparents. She was driving very oddly, and was very tense in the car. She had said something that upset me quite a bit, i don't remember what she had said, because i block things out. but when i found that she had brought her wine with her in the car, i started sobbing, because she had never done something that crazy before, and she just left me in the car while she visited my grandparents, and asked for more money greedily.  I told my boyfriend of how my mom was acting, (drinking, too many conspiracy theories, staying up late at night crying loudly, not allowing my own opinion, etc...) and my boyfriend decided to tell his mom, who called CPS for me. My mom does not know that Drew's mom decided to call CPS and not me, because my mom would not let me see Drew anymore, and probably cause drama between her and his mom. 

My mom talks about how i had ruined her social life in Kent, because i had called CPS on her. CPS is a very confidential thing, and i had not told anyone else about my mother except for my boyfriend. so there is really no way for her social life to be ruined if nobody even knows that she had a bit of CPS in her hands. The world that i have known, does not care for rumors and garbage outside of high school like that. 

She says that she is a caring loving mother. Now this, is partially true. She WAS a caring and loving mother when i was young. she still had her flaws, but she cared enough that she tried her best to keep her negativity to herself when i was growing up. But now that i am older, she has this twisted view of who i am as a person. She expects me to come up to her and hug her, and snuggle her when she is upset, like i used to do when i was a child. And if i don't comfort her, and i don't always talk to her and act all bubbly and joyful, she accuses me of hating her, and creates a big dramatized argument, where no matter what i say to her, she will not listen. I try to go out of my way to make my mom a little less miserable, but i am a young adult now, and i have grown to have my own problems in life, and i need my own personal space to resolve and organize my thoughts and feelings as much as i can. I have problems with dealing with stress already, but my mom is kind of like the cherry on top of my stress sundae. But the cherry is 10 times the size of the actual ice cream sundae.

She has finally gotten a job, after 3 to 4 years of being unemployed, she went to college, and got a medical assistant degree, and did her internship, but never looked hard enough to actually get a job in the field that she had went to school for. She has a job, but its minimum wage, and she only works on weekends. She almost got fired yesterday, (as she was telling me for about 2 hours) she said she made an error, but could not explain herself very well, and she also said she was trying to text me back during work, and she got caught with her phone out. She thinks there is a big conspiracy theory that the manager knows where she lives, and that he does not approve of where she lives. And many other paranoid thoughts. 

ending on a good note, I went to my sanctuary house yesterday (the drew paradise house) for practically the whole entire day. It was great. I got to take a long nap, (which i needed badly) and watched Drew play a bit of his favorite games on his steam account. I don't know why girls don't like their boyfriends playing video games. i think its quite entertaining, and i trust him enough not to go out on an online date with some chick he hardly knows. lol.