Annoyance

Annoyance

My mom gave me a letter yesterday night, that was absolutely paranoid, and extremely ridiculous. I gave it to my boyfriend so he could examine it further, but ill post her letter on here as soon as i can. 

When i came home from school, my mom was sitting in her bed with puffy eyes and told me that she went to the ER because she said that her eyes were too puffy. 

That's not really something that you go to the ER for... she was really upset last night, and probably rubbing her eyes too much. Anywhore, She decided that it was serious enough to get the attention of ER medical professionals for her puffy eyes. 

Its funny, that i have been having really bad neck pain for the past month, and it probably hurts 5 times worse than her puffy eyes, and i wasn't screaming a yelping in pain, and going to the ER to get medical attention. 

she is so ridiculous...

ill post the letter tomorrow sometime.


EDIT:
My mom came home from the store with my grandma, and came home with a lounge chair for our bare living room, and i helped her bring it up the steppes, and she went back outside to get a few things. I cooked a TV dinner (since my mom threw out our cooking supplies) and i went into my room to start on my homework. My mom came into my room, and asked me why i wasn't out there spending time with her. And i told her i had homework to do, and i was very busy. she started yelling at me, and wouldn't let me say anything. She told me that she just got home, and she was at the hospital all day, and she accused me of not caring for her, and not respecting her, and she accused me of hating her, and that my boyfriend hates her. She demanded for me to reply in written form to the repulsive letter she gave me last night, and that i have to reply by tonight. She told me that i need to go live with my dad, because she cant stand it here because i don't care, and i never talk to her. 

Out of place

Out of place

So lately my mom has been a bit better. Until today. Today she attacked me. 

I went to take out the trash, but i looked in the trash to find all of our Ikea pots and pans that we bought last month in the trash. I don't understand my moms logic, but she told me that Ikea pots and pans are made for a specific type of stove, and that they are not made for our stove, because our stove is too old. I told her that that was ridiculous, and that i use the pots all the time on our stove and they are fine. So i took them out of the garbage and set them on the counter next to the sink. What i didn't know is that my mom had cleaned a space off where the dishes are supposed to go, for her coffee pot. the pans were not touching the coffee pot in any way. She yelled at me for putting the pans on the counter claiming that they were too dirty to be put there next to the cleaned space for her coffee pot. She asked me why i never listen to her, and why i don't obey what she does. I told her that the pots where perfectly fine, and that there was no reason whatsoever to throw them out, and i told her that i didn't know that she set up the coffee machine right next to the dishes, and i just put the pots there to wash later. It didn't matter what i said to her, because she doesn't care about what i have to say. she is always right no matter what. If i had put the pots in the sink, she would have gotten mad at me for putting them in the sink. She threw the pots back in the garbage, and took the garbage out. so now we have no pots or pans to cook anything with. 

Later, I went with my mom to pick up a prescription at rite aid drug store, and i was looking at chap-stick when my mom came up to me with an eyeliner pencil and asked if i could buy it for her. It was one of the more expensive roll up eyeliners instead of the pencil. I asked her why she needed it, and she said she has work in two days, and wants to look professional. when i asked why i cant buy her one of the 99 cent eyeliners, she said that her eyes are really sensitive and that she cant wear those kind. so i ended up buying her a 5 dollar eye liner roll up, and she already owes me like 55 bucks. And if i didn't buy it for her, she would have a hissy fit.

when i got home, i was eating a disgusting TV dinner that my mom bought for me, and she made me sit and eat it at the table with her... but she talks non-stop, and when i try to talk to her, i feel like she goes in wonderland and stops listening to me, and when i am done, she brings up a completely new topic from her life. so when i was done eating, i threw my tv dinner in the trash, and told her i was going into my room to relax. She didn't say anything in reply, so i went into my room and closed the door. About 5 minutes later, she opens my door holding the trash can and asked me why i put food in the trash when there wasn't a trash bag in it. I didn't know that there wasn't a trash bag in the garbage, and i saw other things in the trash when i threw my things in there, so i figured it was fine. I told her that i was sorry, and that i didn't know there wasn't a trash bag. She proceeded to chew me out more, and she told me that it is really disrespectful, and that i need to respect her more, and that it is really bitchy and rude to make her clean and that she has to do all the work all the time. she was screaming and screaming at me, and i kept on telling her in a calm voice, i am sorry, please stop yelling at me. Over and over, until i snapped, and a mean evil Amber came out. I yelled at her back to shut up. at that moment, i wanted to slap her, and slammed my door instead. I wanted to be left alone. I felt so hurt, and so manipulated, she kept on screaming at me through my barricaded door, telling me how worthless i am, and how i ruined her life by calling CPS on her. At that point i was sobbing in a corner. I yelled at her that i wanted to kill myself. I felt utterly defeated, like nothing i do will make my mom happy, like i am just a miserable failure misfit. She had no soft spot for me telling her i wanted to kill myself. she just continued to spit vile words into my ears through my door. If i had something to kill myself in my room, i would have grabbed it. My mom got what she wanted. She wanted to manipulate me, and make me feel like a misfit, that doesn't belong anywhere. The yelling finally stopped, and i herd her washing the garbage out in my bathroom tub, just to execute her point further. 

15 minutes later she pushes my door open, and says in the calmest voice "I seriously need you to think about living with your dad. I don't feel welcome here,  and the only reason i live in Kent is because of you, so that you can stay close to your boyfriend and school. But what is the point if you are turning everyone against me, and i cant even get the job i was trained for because of you. Your boyfriend and his mom hate my guts, and i need to know why you would call CPS on me."

I said nothing, and she left to go run "errands" 

I have school tomorrow, and i feel extremely depressed, and my eyes are puffy and red from crying. I guess i will just go to school in the morning, and ignore my mom as much as possible... although i doubt it will work since i live in the same place as her since i am a minor, and i don't have a job, or know how to live out on my own. 

wish me good luck, cause i tend to have bad luck with EVERYTHING 

Where'd all the good people go?

So, its been a while since i did an update on my narcissistic mother. about 3 and a half months ago, after i came home to our new apartment, i realised and had long forgotten how bad my mother was. I was complaining to my boyfriend about her almost every day, with new stories, and heart breaks, and paranoid stories that my mom seems to twist my own words from.

Eventually, my boyfriend decided to tell his mother, who had decided to call CPS about the mental abuse that my mother puts me through, and hides it around normal people so well that i thought i was the one who was going crazy. When i found out that SOMEBODY was kind enough to help me, when i though all was lost, and i thought i was going to end up just like my mo, a crazy, paranoid, narcissistic, lonely individual and an emotional vampire. Most of the people who knew of my situation just listened with intent, and some would help me decide on what to do, but most were very rash decisions that i am incapable of dealing with right now.

I thought, well gee, my mom is going to be so upset when she knows that somebody called cps on her, but it was a genuinely good thing, because i thought things would get sorted out, and i could find somewhere else to live. So i went to stay with my grandparents for a month, and they were very understanding, as they had to deal with my mom when she lived there still as a baby to young adult.

I soon found out the harsh reality of things; My grandparents were too old to take care of me, as there was no bus route for my school, my grandparents had to end up taking me to school every morning, at 6 am, which really wore them out. And i also found another side of my grandma, that i hadn't seen much of before, and she seemed very antsy and worried all the time, over small things, and i figure that this is why my mom is partly the way she is.

The man that was working with my cps case was trying to get a hold of my mother, and tried to solve the issue, he listened to me, and what i had to say about my mom, and the way she acts. He was very surprised that i had dealt with my narcissistic mother for so long. He told me that she probably has a lot more than just narcissism. I answered some deep questionnaires that asked me if i ever thought of suicide, and if i suffer from depression, which both are VERY real and accurate for me.

well, this CPS man, was tired of trying to resolve things with me and my mother, because she was so stubborn, and our case stressed him out too much,  he quit the case, and handed it over to this lady. I feel like she didn't understand the situation as much. When it got to the time of having a meeting with both me and my mom, my mom was extremely fake, and supper nice. It was unreal. I felt a sudden drop in my depression, as i realised my mom was winning, by pure spite. My mom would interrupt me, when i had a critical thought of her, like screaming her head off at me for no reason, and staying up super late banging around and doing dishes and laundry up until 2 am on school nights. She would have an excuse for every thing that i had to say, and the CPS lady believed her. I felt utterly destroyed. my mom signed a contract saying that she wouldn't do the things i mentioned anymore, and we would go to group counseling. How could that CPS lady ever think that a piece of paper would resolve the issue? I have never herd back from that lady, and the CPS didn't help at all, in fact it made things worse, because now my mom holds a grudge on me about it, and every time we get into an argument, or she screams at me, she brings up me calling CPS thinking id get her in jail. So here i am, back here at the start, looking for all the good people in the world when i feel utterly lost, and i feel like i am going crazy just like my mom. She has accused me of ruining her relationships, her life with other people, and she thinks that i resent her and dislike her. when in fact i LOVE my mom with all my heart, which is why it is so hard for me to leave, i feel like i have gotten addicted to her abusive words, and if i leave i will need some sort of adrenalin rush some other way.

today, she was playing her music and i needed to do math homework, but since i am already terrible at math, and i cant concentrate very easily i needed her to turn off her music. I came into her room and said "Mom, I have a TON of math homework, and its hard for me to concentrate with the music so-" and at that point, my mom interrupted me with yelling. she didn't even let me finish my sentence.

She called me rude, and asked why i resented her so much. I don't understand what was so rude about my statement, but she says the tone of my voice was extremely rude, and i sounded like my dad. she told me it sounded like i was banning her from playing her music. I normally don't have a problem with her shitty tween music, because i am zoned out in my room. But this one time that i try to ask her politely to turn off the music, she starts screaming at me, and makes it a WAY huger deal that is should be. No matter what i said or explained to her, she didn't care what i had to say, i had no defense in my words. I tried to tell her that i was trying to be exceptionally polite, and that i didn't even get to finish my sentence because she interrupted me and called me rude. Dont you think that's a bit ironic? I feel like i am the adult here. She has no logic or reason, and she thinks that she is always right, and when you dont agree with one of her paranoid thoughts, she will create even more drama, and havoc. She tells me that she is a responsible adult, that does adult things, and then she asks who made me think differently about her. she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, and it will always stay that way untill she dies. I just hope i dot end up like her.

when she screams at me in my room about paranoid stuff, i tell her to go away, and i literally have to push her out of my room, barricade the door, and blast my headphone to create a shield against the emotional abuse.

For now, my only escape is my boyfriends house. lets hope i dont go crazy just like my mom. Until next rant.

-The abused


Random artwork:



Daughter of a Narcissistic mother

This is my first blog, but i need to give this a shot. It is 12:00 at midnight, and in 6 hours will be my first day back at school as a junior in high school. My name's Amber. I was born on February 29th, 1996. Leap day. I am technically only 4 years old. :D

Come with me as i show you (as often as i can) what it is like to live with a mother that is narcissistic. For those of you who dont know what narcism is, here is the correct terminology for you: "Persons diagnosed with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder are characterized by unwarranted feelings of self-importance. They have a sense of entitlement and demonstrate grandiosity in their beliefs and behavior. They have a strong need for admiration, but lack feelings of empathy. These qualities are usually defenses against a deep feeling of inferiority and of being unloved."

(Citation from wiki)
I am pretty sure that my mom has more than this, but... this is what covers most things.

Through the years, this problem with my mother has gotten more severe. In fact, it was only 2 years ago that i really started noticing this problem. My mom has always had anxieties, paranoia, migraines, and has always been a bit antsy. But she wasn't always like this. 

I have searched and searched the web for more information, and more people that are going through the same emotional crazyness that i must endure almost everyday of my life living with my mother. I never really found what i was looking for on the web, looking for more people like me, who have decided to talk about their past, and what they have been through as children, and maybe even adults. 

That is why i decided to make a blog. Past, present, and future postings about my mother will be on here. My hope is that i will find other people like me, who have suffered the mental scars of the abuse of their narcissistic mother. 

My next blog will be explaining how my mother works, how i deal with her,and what   every day life is like for me. 

-Amber (leapy)