Where'd all the good people go?

So, its been a while since i did an update on my narcissistic mother. about 3 and a half months ago, after i came home to our new apartment, i realised and had long forgotten how bad my mother was. I was complaining to my boyfriend about her almost every day, with new stories, and heart breaks, and paranoid stories that my mom seems to twist my own words from.

Eventually, my boyfriend decided to tell his mother, who had decided to call CPS about the mental abuse that my mother puts me through, and hides it around normal people so well that i thought i was the one who was going crazy. When i found out that SOMEBODY was kind enough to help me, when i though all was lost, and i thought i was going to end up just like my mo, a crazy, paranoid, narcissistic, lonely individual and an emotional vampire. Most of the people who knew of my situation just listened with intent, and some would help me decide on what to do, but most were very rash decisions that i am incapable of dealing with right now.

I thought, well gee, my mom is going to be so upset when she knows that somebody called cps on her, but it was a genuinely good thing, because i thought things would get sorted out, and i could find somewhere else to live. So i went to stay with my grandparents for a month, and they were very understanding, as they had to deal with my mom when she lived there still as a baby to young adult.

I soon found out the harsh reality of things; My grandparents were too old to take care of me, as there was no bus route for my school, my grandparents had to end up taking me to school every morning, at 6 am, which really wore them out. And i also found another side of my grandma, that i hadn't seen much of before, and she seemed very antsy and worried all the time, over small things, and i figure that this is why my mom is partly the way she is.

The man that was working with my cps case was trying to get a hold of my mother, and tried to solve the issue, he listened to me, and what i had to say about my mom, and the way she acts. He was very surprised that i had dealt with my narcissistic mother for so long. He told me that she probably has a lot more than just narcissism. I answered some deep questionnaires that asked me if i ever thought of suicide, and if i suffer from depression, which both are VERY real and accurate for me.

well, this CPS man, was tired of trying to resolve things with me and my mother, because she was so stubborn, and our case stressed him out too much,  he quit the case, and handed it over to this lady. I feel like she didn't understand the situation as much. When it got to the time of having a meeting with both me and my mom, my mom was extremely fake, and supper nice. It was unreal. I felt a sudden drop in my depression, as i realised my mom was winning, by pure spite. My mom would interrupt me, when i had a critical thought of her, like screaming her head off at me for no reason, and staying up super late banging around and doing dishes and laundry up until 2 am on school nights. She would have an excuse for every thing that i had to say, and the CPS lady believed her. I felt utterly destroyed. my mom signed a contract saying that she wouldn't do the things i mentioned anymore, and we would go to group counseling. How could that CPS lady ever think that a piece of paper would resolve the issue? I have never herd back from that lady, and the CPS didn't help at all, in fact it made things worse, because now my mom holds a grudge on me about it, and every time we get into an argument, or she screams at me, she brings up me calling CPS thinking id get her in jail. So here i am, back here at the start, looking for all the good people in the world when i feel utterly lost, and i feel like i am going crazy just like my mom. She has accused me of ruining her relationships, her life with other people, and she thinks that i resent her and dislike her. when in fact i LOVE my mom with all my heart, which is why it is so hard for me to leave, i feel like i have gotten addicted to her abusive words, and if i leave i will need some sort of adrenalin rush some other way.

today, she was playing her music and i needed to do math homework, but since i am already terrible at math, and i cant concentrate very easily i needed her to turn off her music. I came into her room and said "Mom, I have a TON of math homework, and its hard for me to concentrate with the music so-" and at that point, my mom interrupted me with yelling. she didn't even let me finish my sentence.

She called me rude, and asked why i resented her so much. I don't understand what was so rude about my statement, but she says the tone of my voice was extremely rude, and i sounded like my dad. she told me it sounded like i was banning her from playing her music. I normally don't have a problem with her shitty tween music, because i am zoned out in my room. But this one time that i try to ask her politely to turn off the music, she starts screaming at me, and makes it a WAY huger deal that is should be. No matter what i said or explained to her, she didn't care what i had to say, i had no defense in my words. I tried to tell her that i was trying to be exceptionally polite, and that i didn't even get to finish my sentence because she interrupted me and called me rude. Dont you think that's a bit ironic? I feel like i am the adult here. She has no logic or reason, and she thinks that she is always right, and when you dont agree with one of her paranoid thoughts, she will create even more drama, and havoc. She tells me that she is a responsible adult, that does adult things, and then she asks who made me think differently about her. she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, and it will always stay that way untill she dies. I just hope i dot end up like her.

when she screams at me in my room about paranoid stuff, i tell her to go away, and i literally have to push her out of my room, barricade the door, and blast my headphone to create a shield against the emotional abuse.

For now, my only escape is my boyfriends house. lets hope i dont go crazy just like my mom. Until next rant.

-The abused


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