What are we if not beautiful

What does it mean to be beautiful, and who has the right to judge, or say that something is more beautiful than the other? Why is our society so caught up, in teasing and making fun of other people?... where you can't be happy in your life... with your job... with your friends, and even what you enjoy doing; your hobbies. At this point and time in my life, I have become angry... sad... lonely... I feel sorry for myself. I desire what other people have, and I have given up that I could get any better in the thing I enjoy most out of my day. I'm at the point of my lowest being. Im constantly screwing up things, never to satisfy, or get rewarded with.

But what does that all mean? It's just all a bunch of mundane things. We as human beings forget to enjoy what we enjoy doing. We forget to be happy knowing you can enjoy things. And that sometimes nothing is the best reward... and if you are constantly letting yourself down, you won't be at the best of your potential.  But stopping yourself from being unhappy can be very difficult ... you get stuck in the memories of being let down or forgotten, you try to forget but your mind keeps entering that depressing area.

When you don't have someone to talk to... when you feel like nobody really cares if you die... or if you feel as if your life has no meaning or purpose... rethink... every person that you talked to today; negative or positive care for you as a person. And negative things only grow you as a human being, in life and everywhere else.

Never good sleep.

I go to bed, and fall asleep.
Meanwhile, my mom decides that its a good time to get up, stomp down the hallway, do the dishes, turn on the dishwasher, turn on the dryer,  and then open my door and come into my room, wake me up just to tell me that she is going to bed.  Yeah. Great. Thanks.

Mom denies everything?

Mom denies everything?

so lately has been a wreck. Last month was my 18th birthday. I decided to go to Drews house after school... at around 7 pm I was eating dinner at his house, when my mom showed up unannounced and ready to do some damage. She came looking very tense and very hostile. Of course Drews mother let her in, and my mom saw me eating and told me she was here to pick me up. For what reason exactly, I am still not sure. I specifically told her the day before, that i was spending my birthday at Drews house. But she started attacking Drews mom with words, saying things like 'How dare you be so rude and unkind to me. I do everything to make sure my daughter gets here every friday', and blah blah blah blah' for no good reason, she was accusing Drews mother of all this stuff, and Drews mom was just baffled at what was going on, she had no time to defend herself, or say anything. My mom refused to leave and pick me up later, so i had to leave my food and go back to my apartment. The car ride home was disastrous. She was calling Drews mom every word in the book, and making a huge deal of nothing. She was telling me how dare i "hang out with such evil people that want to ruin her life" Every time she tried to make me say something, or agree with her, all i would say was "no." She completely ruined my evening, and my boyfriends evening. I got home and went in my room, closed the door, and did nothing but hear the screaming and crying of my mom for the rest of my birthday night. 

The next day, me and my mom find out that my Grandpa has to have triple bypass surgery, to get excess calcium out of his heart. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and he finally came back home last week. He is doing a lot better. I'm so glad everything went okay. As for my mom, she was freaking out the whole time. She was thinking he was going to die, and she still thinks he is going to die. But he is fine now, his incision is healing up nicely, and he up and walking around again. 

So fast forward to the next month after my birthday, I am in my high school choir. Sometimes i enjoy it, but what i think i enjoy the most about it, is traveling around to different places on choir tour every year. Its a good way to see new places, for an amazing price. Anyways, I had a concert last week after school. My mom needed to take me there. As we were driving, my mom decided to take the long way. I told her to go straight because it was the fastest way, but she still took a right. So i told her to please not do that next time. I wanted to get there on time. My mom got angry with me in the car because i told her off. She started yelling at me, and putting all her problems on me and stuff, right before my concert. I told her to stop, because it make making me upset and stressed out. More than i needed to be. She refused to stop, and just kept on talking and yelling ever so slightly louder every time i told her to stop. I started yelling at her to stop, because she was yelling so hard that she would not be able to hear me say stop. Finally, she got what she wanted. She wanted me to snap. And i did. I screamed at her to please stop. At that she pulled over on the side of the road, and told me to get out. I was wearing a long black chiffon dress, and 3 inch heels. I told her to keep driving, but she refused, I asked if she really wanted me to get out on the side of the road and walk in my outfit. She said yes. So that's exactly what i did. I got out of the car, and walked. She drove off. There was no sidewalk, and it was raining. I walked about 1 and a half miles before someone finally saw me and stopped to pick me up. Apparently a lot of people in choir saw me walking, but just kept on driving. I was cold, my hair was messed up, my makeup smeared from crying. It was not fun. I pulled myself together and got on stage and sang. I felt better, and we did great. Although i had no ride to get home. I had not received one text or call from my mom that night during the concert, and she obviously never showed up to it. 

I had a friend drive me home. I was expecting her to be home, But she wasn't. I was not prepared to have this happen, and i had no pockets so i did not bring my key with me. So I had to have my friend drive me to my Grandparents house. They were so happy to see me... and then i told them what had happened. They got upset. My grandma or my grandpa were in no position to take me home... They were both stressed out enough as it was. So I had to wait for my mom to get back home and pick me up. She went home, but she refused to pick me up from their house. Her excuse was that she broke one of her contacts so she is unable to drive. But she was gone when i got there, so she was driving around all day today. I was stuck in my uncomfortable dress and bra waiting for a ride that didn't show up. My grandparents had to call their neighbor and ask them to take me home. They were very kind and agreed to take me home. By the time i got home it was 11:00 pm, on a school night. My mom answered the door, and didn't say a word to me. I was angry and upset and i just wanted to sleep.

The next day she acted as if nothing had happened. She saw that i was upset, and told me to put the past behind me and forgive her, because that's what family does is forgive each other. She told me that she had to do what she did, because she was too stressed out and she told me that I was the one who was yelling at her, so she dropped me off on the side of the road. She completely denied that any of it was her fault, and it was like she was telling herself that she was doing everything perfectly right. 

My mom tried to go over to my grandparents house today, and they refused to talk to her, or let her use their phone. Today my mom went off on me... she came in here saying that my grandma and grandpa are getting old and crazy and that they think she is and abusive. She said "You know i am not abusive, I am a good mother, and I do everything i can for you. I am not abusive. Right?! You know i am not abusive right?!!!" I just kind of mumbled, and shook my head. If i told her that i thought she is abusive, she would attack me. Saying things like 'How could you say that about your own mother, You hate me don't you? Why don't you just tell me to die.' and stuff like that. She told me not to complain about her to my grandma, because they will find every little excuse to not give her money. I told her, that if i am feeling upset, then i will talk to someone about it, whether she likes it or not. She got angry at me and said "how could you say that, you know i am going through a hard time right now, you are such a little selfish brat. Why do you hate me so much? If you keep on slandering me to your grandma, you'll make my life hell. You already my my life hell. All i am asking if for you to stop complaining to her. If you don't i will kill myself. "

I told her that she was blackmailing me. she said "That is NOT blackmail. That is how i really feel. why don't you take my feeling seriously, This is important.If you don't respect my feelings, then go move out." I told her i was working on trying to move out. She got angry at me for saying i was going to move out and yelled some more foul mouthed words at my face. At that point i had enough, and i told her to leave my room. She stood at the door of my room and kept yelling at me to have her good old final killing heart stabbing words, an then she went off to her room and cried and screamed. If fact i think she is still doing so right now. But I'm blasting my ears right now with music. 

On a more happy note, I am going to Canada for choir tour next week, and i am very excited to have a little vacation time away from everything. I so excited to get Canadian candy, and buy tons of it and not share one little bit of it. 

Until text time :)

-Amber

Sign this for me!!!! please!!!!

http://www.petition2congress.com/1788/unfair-child-support-laws/



please sign this... this is what is happening to me right now... I am in school still, and i am 18. If i move out, My mom will still get child support from my dad. It is wrong, and she does not use the money to support me in the first place.

Trying to make the little things count

i thought that picture was a nice way to put how my mom talks with me.



I haven't made a post in a very long time. Talking about my mom is hard to do, when it just feels like you are complaining about her every day. She does the same things, over and over again, that it just gets old, and i am used to it.
Things have gotten rough for me the past 2 months. It is almost the end of the semester and so my school work is sky high. It is so hard to keep up with 6 classes, and 5 different things in each class. Especially for someone like me, who is very simple minded, and i get overwhelmed quite easily. If i miss one thing, i fall behind significantly.

That being said, I caught a very bad sickness 2 weeks ago, and i was shivering and sweating enormous amounts. I had a high fever of 103.8 to 104 at times, and it was hard to breathe. When i finally got to the doctor, they diagnosed me wrong, with the stomach flu, because i had barfed a few times. Well later that night, i felt so bad, that i told my mom that i need to go to the emergency room. Of course it took her and hour and a half just to get ready to go. when i got there i had a 104 degree fever, and a UTI infection. they took my x-ray and found that i had pneumonia in my lower left lung. I felt so uncomfortable. I was in the hospital for a few hours and then i went back home with antibiotics. I missed quite a few days of school, which resulted in me being behind in my schoolwork and projects. The stress in my life has been crazy lately. I had a group project with a few of my friends, and things were getting really stressful. I felt a lot of pressure on me to do this project, and get it done. It was hard because i am very good at procrastinating, and it doesn't help when your mom wants constant attention, and if you don't she will make you feel like shit, which further enhances the procrastination. So i was basically not doing enough work, and the group split me up, which i don't mind in all seriousness, because i wont feel that constant pressure and guilt if i don't fully get something done in my group.

I have been gone from school, and i don't know what do do in my projects. I have 3 projects. It seems like all my teachers got together and said  "hey, lets have projects due all in the same week!" For my English project, my teacher came up to me and said "you do know how Important this project is, correct?" so, my teachers have been putting pressure on me as well.

on Friday after school i went to my boyfriends house. He is the one thing that makes me happy in my life. He is so caring and kind and sweet to me, I could never imagine anything better than him. His mom is very strict though, and just tolerates me it seems. Its hard to make a time for me to come over sometimes, and Drews mom will not let us be in a room alone together, in fear of him becoming a cave man aggressive teenage boy towards me. Which is understandable i guess, but i don't think he would do that. My mom picked me up at exactly 10:00 pm and then she said she had to go to the store. And then she changed her mind and went to mic donalds because she was "starving". She eats very unhealthy foods, and NEVER cooks. My diet consists of TV dinners all week, and home cooked meals on Friday and Sunday, SOMETIMES. If i go to Drews, or my grandmas house.
Well i was a little annoyed with my mom, cause we have been going to get fast food a lot lately, and my mom has very little money, and she spends her money wrong. She never saves her money, and ever since i got a bank account, i have been having to buy EVERYTHING that i need or want. I even buy my mom things that she needs sometimes. My money is running low because of Christmas gifts, and just things we have needed. I got my mom a better Christmas gift than the one she got me. In fact, she got me a 5 dollar gift card to Starbucks. I got her a 15 dollar Burt's bees set on sale. Burt's bees is her favorite cosmetics brand.

Later that night, my mom came into my room at about 1:00 and yelled at me, told me that i hate her, and that i never do anything for her. That she revolves her life around me, and she is sick and tired of being mistreated and disrespected as a mother. She told me that she was going to call my dad and tell him that she is leaving me, so i need to go live with him. I told her that it would be extremely hard for me to just leave my school, my boyfriend, and my friends. She didn't give a shit. I have been nothing but nice to her lately, and at dinner i sat next to her while she ate her McDonalds and tried to make small talk with her. And then she goes off on me at 1:00 in the morning. She is punishing me for what exactly?

She was accusing my boyfriend of things, like ruining her job, and that he has taken me away from her, that he hates her and wants her gone. all because they haven't invited my mom over to their house with me. If my mom was with me at drews place, i would feel so awkward and tense. She would be scary,  and she would accuse the family of things.

Later my mom left, and i threw up, because of the antibiotic, and i am still a little sick. My lung is not completely cleared up yet. I got so hungry while she was gone, that i started de-thawing chicken in the microwave to cook. Then my mom came home and said "lets go to parera bread!" so i left the chicken in the microwave to de-thaw, and then we left. When we got back, my mom opened the microwave and screamed at the top of her lungs. "AMBER!!!! AMBERRRRR!! GET THAT FUCKING PIECE OF CHICKEN OUT OF THE MICROWAVE NOW! I CANT COOK ANYTHING IN THERE ANYMORE. THAT IS SO GROSS!" she screamed at me and screamed at me while i took the chicken out of the microwave and back in the freezer. she started saying things like "you did that on purpose, and blah blah blah." The chicken was on a plate covered in plastic wrap, and a paper towel, But she still made me wash out the entire microwave with a soapy scrubber, and then disinfect it with alcohol. She still refuses to use the microwave now.
She has been telling me over and over today that she is going to go move to anther state, and that i will be fine on my own because she cant take it over here. She said she wants to move because my boyfriend is making her life hell, and that people think she is retarded. she yelled at me, like it was my fault, and accused my friends, people i know, my dad, and my boyfriend of ruining her life and making her want to move out of this state.
I felt like a failure. My mom has been putting so much stress on me, that i cant even focus, or do any of my work. I am so stressed at depressed and my mom is definitely not helping.
My mom later demanded for my pain meds that i got from my pneumonia visit, and i said no, so she grabbed my non-prescription Tylenol.
Her boyfriend ordered her a new laptop, but she tried to use mine while i was gone, and she doesn't respect my belongings, she thinks that everything i own is hers to touch and use.
While i was trying to get work done, she came in and tried to bribe me 10 dollars for me to go in the store for her and return a pair of pants that she bought.
 I'm not going to let my mom treat me like she owns me and that she can do whatever to me and my belongings. My resolution this year, is trying to slow down, and enjoy the little things in life. I have been stressing out so much, that i already found a gray hair in my head. Im 17, i dont need to stress so much. Its my life, not my moms. I really do have to keep repeating this to myself, because i often forget that my mom is the problem. Not me.

Trying not to cry

Lately, my mom had been a bit better, she still has her nervous ticks every day, and the past two weeks, she had been sobbing at least twice every day.

She went to a new doctor, and her doctor thought she was wayyyyy too skinny, and required her to have a pee test for drugs, and a blood test. I think my moms craziness came through with our doctor, so she thought my mom was on drugs. 

Well her doctor decided to take her off the meds that keep my mom somewhat sane, because my mom IS addicted to them. The doctor refuses to give my mom her meds, which i am glad for, she was taking as many as she wanted. 

Bottom line, shes going through withdrawal. Shes crying every single day, sometimes sobbing at night, and talking to herself and the cat. Sometimes she yells at herself. Its really odd. 

Well, she has been asking me for the past week to help her trim the cats nails (which really means i do them all by myself)

And every single time she asks me, i am always busy. Well we were looking through coupons, and she found one for de-clawing. She said "HEY, we can de-claw her!" For a second i thought she was joking, and i looked at her face, and she looked completely serious in a really creepy crazy way. 

I should have just got up and walked away, but i got angry and said , "why are you even thinking about that? That is really inhumane." I'm starting to think she said it just to get a reaction out of me. Well she said "well, you never want to trim her claws, so I'm going to de-claw her."

First of all, de-clawing is extremely painful for a cat, and our cat is 7 years old! Kittens are the ones who get de-clawed, not 7-year old cats.

She was really pissing me off, and said that i never want to trim her claws. But i tried to tell her that i have just been busy, and id gladly help when i have free time. 

We don't even have the proper nail clippers, we could use human nail clippers, but i would be worried that id cut too short.

So she started yelling at me. Time to go into hibernation mode. -goes into room, barricades door-

She yells at me through the door how ungrateful i am, and she said "i was having such a wonderful peaceful day, and then i picked you up and you have been nothing but rude to me." I tried to make a conversation with her in the car, told her about my day, but she either didn't say anything, or she pretended to listen to me. 

She said that she revolves her life around me, and tries her hardest to make me happy, and does the good old guilt trip, saying that she stays here for me to go to school and see drew. I doubt shed be any other place than here.

At that point id had enough of her manipulation, and grabbed my headphones and blasted them.

Tomorrow is thanks giving. Thank god I'm going to my dads for the weekend. 

Trying out no emotion

So, today i wanted to do a little experiment. I wanted to try and be as logical as possible with my mother, and try not to have any emotion reaction whatsoever. Kind of like the lawyers do in a court meeting, where they try not to add any emotion at all, just pure logical explanations, and facts that support the argument. 

lets just say, my mom was frustrated the entire day.

so, in the afternoon, my mom wants to go to a big warehouse tore called win-co to get food, because we completely ran out of food. She stopped by my grandparents house to get money first. 

After that, we were driving and on our way to win-co when she said she changed her mind, and didn't want to go in win-co. I told her that we don't have that much money, and win-co has the best prices on food. so i convinced her to go to win-co. 

When we got there, there was a man walking in the parking lot, kind of taking up space, and my mom said "Its because he is Russian that he is walking in the middle of the road." I thought that that was very stereotypical of her to say, and i asked her. "what makes you think that he is Russian?" she replied and said "Because of his nose." This made no sense to me. Everyone has a different nose shape, And a Russian does not have a specific nose shape. Noses are all shapes and sizes. So i said "mom, you cant tell somebody is Russian by their nose shape. Everyone has all different shapes and sizes of noses." she argued and said "I KNOW what a Russian nose looks like. Don't try and make me feel stupid. I've seen enough Russian guys to know what they look like." i laughed and said, "You shouldn't assume that somebody is Russian because of the shape of their nose. I bet, if you go up to him and ask him if he is Russian, he will say no. So go up to him and ask him." She got EXTREMELY mad at me, and just sat in the car yelling at me, asking why i have to be so rude to her all the time, and that i never listen to what she has to say, and that i always criticize her. She sat in the car, and i asked her, "are you ready to go inside now?" and she was having an anxiety attack, and said: "people are going to harass me in here." people have never ever harassed her in that store, and i told her that everything would be fine. She just kept on yelling at me, and refusing to get out of the car. She was acting very immature, like a 5 year old when they have a tantrum. It was 30 minutes of waiting in the car, and i asked her, "are you ready to go inside now?" And she said "Quit bullying me, you are acting just like your dad, and you don't care about me." so, i offered to go into the store myself and get the things we needed, but she just flat out said "no" and refused to explain herself. so after patiently waiting in the car, my mom finally got out, and we went into the store. When i got to the canned soup isle, i was looking for good soups for about a minute, and then my mom yelled at me to stop looking for soup because "we don't need it." and then when we got to the power bar section, my mom took at least 5 minutes to look for one energy bar, and i did not complain at all. She bought wine with the money that my grandparents gave her, instead of spending it on a pot that we need desperately.

After the store, around dinner time i cooked a garden burger in the microwave, and was making my burger, when my mom came out and started to complain to me about her relationship with her boyfriend, and how he is always gone. (i wonder why) she always thinks he is cheating on her, and tells me her new paranoia of how he is cheating on her, and explains everything in detail for me. It takes about 2 hours for her to finally stop talking. I was so busy making my sandwich, that i just kept on saying "uh huh" because i really did not feel like listening to her complaining. Well she got mad at me, and accused me of not caring, and then brought my boyfriend up, and accused him of hating her boyfriend and ruining the relationship between her and her boyfriend, and ruining her life. At that point i had enough of her shit for one day, and i decided to stick up for myself and tell her how i felt. I told her to calm down, and stop being so negative towards me. She would not calm down, and so i told her in a calm voice "You know what? I am SICK of your attitude towards me. There is no reason for you to act this way all the time, and you constantly criticize me, and make me out to be this bad person. You need to just calm down, and stop blaming other people for your problems." She then said to me, "I want to kill myself, and i bet nobody would care. You don't care about me, and you don't care if i died. You are so cold towards me, and you never say anything nice, even though now i am working." and then i said "Did you even hear what i just said to you? You are acting like a child. You are making a bunch of drama for nothing, and i am sick of it. And don't even try to bring Drew into your relationship problems. It is your problem not his. I told you a few days ago that I wanted to kill myself. You have said NOTHING to me, or confronted me about it at all. What makes you think that you can just go out and say that you want to kill yourself, and that nobody would care? Why don't you just grow up and take things like an adult for once. I have to deal with stress every single day, I go to work as a student and only get 2 days off all to myself. And in those two days, I have Homework, chores, and laundry. In all that time, i have to make time for myself, my boyfriend, and YOU. Be happy that you are even on my list of things i need to spend time with. I haven't seen my friends out of school for 2 Months!"

After that, she just kind of shut up, and i went into my room. 

later that day, she said that she wants to go in Khols, to get a pot, but she told me she would not go alone, so i decided to go with her. All seemed to go well, i even found a really cute winter hat. But my mom realized how expensive the pots and pans were there, so she ended up not getting one, and she got herself a t-shirt, and some sippers. Don't ask me where she gets her money. She owes me like 60 bucks. I'm giving her a bit of a break. If i keep asking for my money, she accuses me of harassing and bullying her. Anywhore, when we were done in there, she drove off, and went to the intersection. you could go left or right, and she usually goes left, and there was a left turn lane, but she wasn't in the left turn lane, and did not have her blinker on. I told her, "you are in the wrong lane." And she completely went off on me, and screamed and yelled at me saying, "I AM IN THE RIGHT LANE!" and slammed on the accelerator, and took a right instead of a left. which was fine for the lane she was in. She kept on yelling at me, telling me how disrespectful and rude i am, and she kept on interrupting me when i tried to explain. When she finally got quiet, I did not apologize and said "I thought that you were going to take a left, so that is why i said that you were in the wrong lane." She yelled at me that i was wrong, and that she would have been in the right lane if she took a left too. I replied saying "but there was a left turn lane for going left." and she screamed back "NO THERE WASN'T. THERE WERE ONLY  TWO LANES, AND THE OTHER LANE WAS THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!" this was really annoying, because there was clearly a left turn lane to turn left on her side of the street, and she was trying to tell me that there was no left turn lane when there was. I said "No, there was a left turn lane there, we can go back and look if you want. I want to know if there was no left turn lane there." She got furious with me, and refused to turn around, and called me crazy, and said that she wasn't ever going to let me drive, because it is too crazy to drive back and find out if i am going to drive like that. Which made no sense, when i really just wanted to know if she was right or not, when i know i saw a left turn lane there. She just kept on yelling at me, while i calmly tried to explain myself. I didn't care at that point. I tried to have the least amount of emotion in my voice as possible, and i was so logical and emotionless while my mom was yelling at me, that i had pissed her off further. She yelled at me saying "WHY ARE YOU SO EMOTIONLESS? YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. YOU ARE ACTING EXACTLY LIKE YOUR DAD. WHY DON'T YOU GO LIVE WITH HIM IF YOU WANT TO BEHAVE LIKE HIM. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, AND YOU DON'T CARE WHAT I DO FOR YOU, AND REVOLVING MY LIFE AROUND YOU IS RUINING MY LIFE!" Then she said she was going to kill herself, and she said that i needed to live with my dad. She tried to drive me to my grandmas house saying that she cant take me anymore. I told her "Don't you think i should get some of my things first? I have school tomorrow." and she flat out said "no". and then i said, "well don't you think that's a bit selfish? I cant even get my pajamas, or my backpack?" she then said she didn't care. then i said, "my grandparents are old... They cant wake up every day at 6 in the morning to get me to school." She then stopped the car and said "Then convince me to go back home and turn around." I replied and said,  "I can't convince you to do anything, and i'm not going to tell you that i am sorry and everything is my fault, just to make you satisfied and take me back home. There was a long pause and then i said "I already said, that i thought that you were going to take a left, that is why i said that you were in the wrong lane. I don't know why you are still so upset over such a little thing." She turned the car around and she said  that anyone would get really pissed off if somebody accused them of being in the wrong lane. She asked me how i would fee if somebody told me i was in the wrong lane lane when i wasn't. I said, "Well, for starters, i would not get mad at all. Getting mad behind the wheel can be dangerous. I would think about what i had done, and would think about any errors i made, or if i didn't even realize i had made a mistake. I would go back to the place i had turned, and redo the turn so i know if i had made a mistake or not. And if i had made  a mistake, i would do it the right way." She was so mad at me, the rest of the way home she drove angry and told me how bad of a driver i was going to be. I just stood there in the car, knowing that when my mom gets this mad, it means i had won over her argument, with logic. This was the first time i had felt no emotion to her harsh words and i had no emotion to my words, which made her extremely angry, because it had not hurt me. 

The DREADED letter

For all my readers, Thank you so much for the support and kindness that you have shown towards my blog. It was so hard for me to actually sit down and take the time to write detailed blogs about my mother. I am so glad i had started this blog, because i have found new hope and support from all of the kind people who read my blogs. I know this blog can be a bit depressing sometimes, and especially for all those who have gone through similar situations as i am going through. I will try to end my blogs on a happy note, instead of thinking about the negative things, i can add something positive to my stream of thoughts. 

The letter my mom wrote: She wrote this letter on the back a piece of paper that she typed up for things and qualities that she thinks she has as well as what she thinks other people thinks she has. 

It reads:

"What people in work internship think about Jennifer s."

 (yes, she changed her last name to her maiden name)

"comfortable with white coats/doctors:"

""you're in the right job""

""wow, i can tell you really like working here""

""how do you think you would feel about working here?""

""I like you. we hope you'll stay""

""You do good work""

""you're very ethical""

"kind and caring"

"sweet"

"gentle"

"thorough at cleaning"

"good manners"

"dispose of things in proper bins"

"observant"

"follow instructions"

"pretty eyes"

"clean [personal hygiene]"

This list just makes me laugh. She was at an internship at a dermatology clinic about 2 years ago. Every day when she came home, she would complain to me about how people didn't like her there, and they NEVER asked her for a job there, or else she would have been working there for at least a week, before she got fired. She is always sweet, and kind and helpful around new, or people with more power than her. She is EXTREMELY good at hiding her Narcissism, towards people she wants to make a good impression on. 

Now, on the the letter on the back, than she freehand wrote to me. It reads:

"To my dear Amber,

My heart is filled with pain. I have so many questions in my mind, why you called CPS on me right after we moved into this apartment. I don't feel getting upset or mad about something is a good reason to report me as your caring, loving mother to "child protective services." I am so confused why you did this and it has affected my social life as a mother in Kent. I have always been protective and a "good" mother to you. I never imagined in my lifetime that my own daughter would do that to me. "Parents" get upset at their kids and get in arguments. "Thats normal". it is "not" a reason to call up agencies and get me into trouble because i "told you off" about something. I had to know "why" when i ask you if "DREW" hates me, why you do not  answer me honestly? And why his mother is so "COLD" to me? What is going on with them? They have "always" been this way with me and i dont understand why. I love you, and i am, and i have stayed in "Kent" so you can go to "KENTWOOD" (my school) and finish there. But you dont want to talk to me ever, and you don't seem to have "any" respect for me as a living human being anymore, even though i am working now, and you treat me like everything i do is wrong, and i am "invalid." I need to know "why"?"

I am going to go through each part of this letter, and dissect it. 

This letter just makes me laugh also. I don't know the reason why she put quotes on a lot of her word choices, But i think it is so ironic and funny that she put quotes around "good" mother. 

Throughout this entire letter, there is no mention whatsoever of how i have been feeling, and she gave this letter to me after i explained to her how i felt like i wanted to kill myself that one day. She makes a point to address the letter in the nicest way possible, to grab my attention to actually reading what she had to say. good on her part, because the "to my dear Amber" did draw me into reading it.

I was thinking about calling CPS sooner, but i didn't have the guts, and i had hoped that when i got back from the vacation at my dads, everything would be a bit calmer, and my mom would settle down and be nice to me for just a little bit. But as soon as i got home, i realized how bad my mom was, compared to me living with my dad for 2 months. She had moved while i was gone, which i was aware of, but i had told her not to throw away ANYTHING of my belongings. Of course, as i had expected, she had thrown away a bit of my stuff, that she didn't think i would notice. On the second day back from my dads, she tried to take wine in a coffee mug with her driving. I put it back in the fridge, but without me knowing, she took it with her, and it was empty by the time we got to visit my grandparents. She was driving very oddly, and was very tense in the car. She had said something that upset me quite a bit, i don't remember what she had said, because i block things out. but when i found that she had brought her wine with her in the car, i started sobbing, because she had never done something that crazy before, and she just left me in the car while she visited my grandparents, and asked for more money greedily.  I told my boyfriend of how my mom was acting, (drinking, too many conspiracy theories, staying up late at night crying loudly, not allowing my own opinion, etc...) and my boyfriend decided to tell his mom, who called CPS for me. My mom does not know that Drew's mom decided to call CPS and not me, because my mom would not let me see Drew anymore, and probably cause drama between her and his mom. 

My mom talks about how i had ruined her social life in Kent, because i had called CPS on her. CPS is a very confidential thing, and i had not told anyone else about my mother except for my boyfriend. so there is really no way for her social life to be ruined if nobody even knows that she had a bit of CPS in her hands. The world that i have known, does not care for rumors and garbage outside of high school like that. 

She says that she is a caring loving mother. Now this, is partially true. She WAS a caring and loving mother when i was young. she still had her flaws, but she cared enough that she tried her best to keep her negativity to herself when i was growing up. But now that i am older, she has this twisted view of who i am as a person. She expects me to come up to her and hug her, and snuggle her when she is upset, like i used to do when i was a child. And if i don't comfort her, and i don't always talk to her and act all bubbly and joyful, she accuses me of hating her, and creates a big dramatized argument, where no matter what i say to her, she will not listen. I try to go out of my way to make my mom a little less miserable, but i am a young adult now, and i have grown to have my own problems in life, and i need my own personal space to resolve and organize my thoughts and feelings as much as i can. I have problems with dealing with stress already, but my mom is kind of like the cherry on top of my stress sundae. But the cherry is 10 times the size of the actual ice cream sundae.

She has finally gotten a job, after 3 to 4 years of being unemployed, she went to college, and got a medical assistant degree, and did her internship, but never looked hard enough to actually get a job in the field that she had went to school for. She has a job, but its minimum wage, and she only works on weekends. She almost got fired yesterday, (as she was telling me for about 2 hours) she said she made an error, but could not explain herself very well, and she also said she was trying to text me back during work, and she got caught with her phone out. She thinks there is a big conspiracy theory that the manager knows where she lives, and that he does not approve of where she lives. And many other paranoid thoughts. 

ending on a good note, I went to my sanctuary house yesterday (the drew paradise house) for practically the whole entire day. It was great. I got to take a long nap, (which i needed badly) and watched Drew play a bit of his favorite games on his steam account. I don't know why girls don't like their boyfriends playing video games. i think its quite entertaining, and i trust him enough not to go out on an online date with some chick he hardly knows. lol.

Annoyance

Annoyance

My mom gave me a letter yesterday night, that was absolutely paranoid, and extremely ridiculous. I gave it to my boyfriend so he could examine it further, but ill post her letter on here as soon as i can. 

When i came home from school, my mom was sitting in her bed with puffy eyes and told me that she went to the ER because she said that her eyes were too puffy. 

That's not really something that you go to the ER for... she was really upset last night, and probably rubbing her eyes too much. Anywhore, She decided that it was serious enough to get the attention of ER medical professionals for her puffy eyes. 

Its funny, that i have been having really bad neck pain for the past month, and it probably hurts 5 times worse than her puffy eyes, and i wasn't screaming a yelping in pain, and going to the ER to get medical attention. 

she is so ridiculous...

ill post the letter tomorrow sometime.


EDIT:
My mom came home from the store with my grandma, and came home with a lounge chair for our bare living room, and i helped her bring it up the steppes, and she went back outside to get a few things. I cooked a TV dinner (since my mom threw out our cooking supplies) and i went into my room to start on my homework. My mom came into my room, and asked me why i wasn't out there spending time with her. And i told her i had homework to do, and i was very busy. she started yelling at me, and wouldn't let me say anything. She told me that she just got home, and she was at the hospital all day, and she accused me of not caring for her, and not respecting her, and she accused me of hating her, and that my boyfriend hates her. She demanded for me to reply in written form to the repulsive letter she gave me last night, and that i have to reply by tonight. She told me that i need to go live with my dad, because she cant stand it here because i don't care, and i never talk to her. 

Early Bird sobbing

Early bird sobbing

So, around 4 in the morning, i woke up to my mom sobbing and whining EXTREMELY loud. It was so loud that i bet more people in our apartment building could hear it. I don't know why my mom was sobbing, but she was yelling over and over again, "OWWWW, OWWW, OWWWWWWWWWWW, OWWWWWW..."

i know that i had not hurt her, so if she was hurt, she did it herself. I figured it was just to get my attention, and she wanted me to go into her room so she could yell at me some more. The sobbing sounded extremely fake, and it sounded forced, like she didn't really feel at all as bad as she was claiming through the wailing sobs. So i Ignored her, and she wailed on for about half an hour or so. 

when she finally stopped, it was 5:00, and i tried to enjoy the last hour of rest that i had before i woke up to get ready for school at 6. About half an hour later, i herd her stomp into the living room, and i was so scared, i thought she was going to grab a knife from the kitchen and come into my room and  stab me to death or something. When she did stomp into my room, i was so scared. Luckily, she didn't have a knife, and she just demanded for the Motrin i had in my room for my severe neck pain that i went to the doctors for. she came in and got it, and said as she was leaving: "you need to stop slamming the door in my face." and then she left. I herd her take a bunch of pills, and then she started sobbing again, and making loud obnoxious noises.

I will be extremely tired at school today. wish me luck. ._.