Trying not to cry

Lately, my mom had been a bit better, she still has her nervous ticks every day, and the past two weeks, she had been sobbing at least twice every day.

She went to a new doctor, and her doctor thought she was wayyyyy too skinny, and required her to have a pee test for drugs, and a blood test. I think my moms craziness came through with our doctor, so she thought my mom was on drugs. 

Well her doctor decided to take her off the meds that keep my mom somewhat sane, because my mom IS addicted to them. The doctor refuses to give my mom her meds, which i am glad for, she was taking as many as she wanted. 

Bottom line, shes going through withdrawal. Shes crying every single day, sometimes sobbing at night, and talking to herself and the cat. Sometimes she yells at herself. Its really odd. 

Well, she has been asking me for the past week to help her trim the cats nails (which really means i do them all by myself)

And every single time she asks me, i am always busy. Well we were looking through coupons, and she found one for de-clawing. She said "HEY, we can de-claw her!" For a second i thought she was joking, and i looked at her face, and she looked completely serious in a really creepy crazy way. 

I should have just got up and walked away, but i got angry and said , "why are you even thinking about that? That is really inhumane." I'm starting to think she said it just to get a reaction out of me. Well she said "well, you never want to trim her claws, so I'm going to de-claw her."

First of all, de-clawing is extremely painful for a cat, and our cat is 7 years old! Kittens are the ones who get de-clawed, not 7-year old cats.

She was really pissing me off, and said that i never want to trim her claws. But i tried to tell her that i have just been busy, and id gladly help when i have free time. 

We don't even have the proper nail clippers, we could use human nail clippers, but i would be worried that id cut too short.

So she started yelling at me. Time to go into hibernation mode. -goes into room, barricades door-

She yells at me through the door how ungrateful i am, and she said "i was having such a wonderful peaceful day, and then i picked you up and you have been nothing but rude to me." I tried to make a conversation with her in the car, told her about my day, but she either didn't say anything, or she pretended to listen to me. 

She said that she revolves her life around me, and tries her hardest to make me happy, and does the good old guilt trip, saying that she stays here for me to go to school and see drew. I doubt shed be any other place than here.

At that point id had enough of her manipulation, and grabbed my headphones and blasted them.

Tomorrow is thanks giving. Thank god I'm going to my dads for the weekend. 

Trying out no emotion

So, today i wanted to do a little experiment. I wanted to try and be as logical as possible with my mother, and try not to have any emotion reaction whatsoever. Kind of like the lawyers do in a court meeting, where they try not to add any emotion at all, just pure logical explanations, and facts that support the argument. 

lets just say, my mom was frustrated the entire day.

so, in the afternoon, my mom wants to go to a big warehouse tore called win-co to get food, because we completely ran out of food. She stopped by my grandparents house to get money first. 

After that, we were driving and on our way to win-co when she said she changed her mind, and didn't want to go in win-co. I told her that we don't have that much money, and win-co has the best prices on food. so i convinced her to go to win-co. 

When we got there, there was a man walking in the parking lot, kind of taking up space, and my mom said "Its because he is Russian that he is walking in the middle of the road." I thought that that was very stereotypical of her to say, and i asked her. "what makes you think that he is Russian?" she replied and said "Because of his nose." This made no sense to me. Everyone has a different nose shape, And a Russian does not have a specific nose shape. Noses are all shapes and sizes. So i said "mom, you cant tell somebody is Russian by their nose shape. Everyone has all different shapes and sizes of noses." she argued and said "I KNOW what a Russian nose looks like. Don't try and make me feel stupid. I've seen enough Russian guys to know what they look like." i laughed and said, "You shouldn't assume that somebody is Russian because of the shape of their nose. I bet, if you go up to him and ask him if he is Russian, he will say no. So go up to him and ask him." She got EXTREMELY mad at me, and just sat in the car yelling at me, asking why i have to be so rude to her all the time, and that i never listen to what she has to say, and that i always criticize her. She sat in the car, and i asked her, "are you ready to go inside now?" and she was having an anxiety attack, and said: "people are going to harass me in here." people have never ever harassed her in that store, and i told her that everything would be fine. She just kept on yelling at me, and refusing to get out of the car. She was acting very immature, like a 5 year old when they have a tantrum. It was 30 minutes of waiting in the car, and i asked her, "are you ready to go inside now?" And she said "Quit bullying me, you are acting just like your dad, and you don't care about me." so, i offered to go into the store myself and get the things we needed, but she just flat out said "no" and refused to explain herself. so after patiently waiting in the car, my mom finally got out, and we went into the store. When i got to the canned soup isle, i was looking for good soups for about a minute, and then my mom yelled at me to stop looking for soup because "we don't need it." and then when we got to the power bar section, my mom took at least 5 minutes to look for one energy bar, and i did not complain at all. She bought wine with the money that my grandparents gave her, instead of spending it on a pot that we need desperately.

After the store, around dinner time i cooked a garden burger in the microwave, and was making my burger, when my mom came out and started to complain to me about her relationship with her boyfriend, and how he is always gone. (i wonder why) she always thinks he is cheating on her, and tells me her new paranoia of how he is cheating on her, and explains everything in detail for me. It takes about 2 hours for her to finally stop talking. I was so busy making my sandwich, that i just kept on saying "uh huh" because i really did not feel like listening to her complaining. Well she got mad at me, and accused me of not caring, and then brought my boyfriend up, and accused him of hating her boyfriend and ruining the relationship between her and her boyfriend, and ruining her life. At that point i had enough of her shit for one day, and i decided to stick up for myself and tell her how i felt. I told her to calm down, and stop being so negative towards me. She would not calm down, and so i told her in a calm voice "You know what? I am SICK of your attitude towards me. There is no reason for you to act this way all the time, and you constantly criticize me, and make me out to be this bad person. You need to just calm down, and stop blaming other people for your problems." She then said to me, "I want to kill myself, and i bet nobody would care. You don't care about me, and you don't care if i died. You are so cold towards me, and you never say anything nice, even though now i am working." and then i said "Did you even hear what i just said to you? You are acting like a child. You are making a bunch of drama for nothing, and i am sick of it. And don't even try to bring Drew into your relationship problems. It is your problem not his. I told you a few days ago that I wanted to kill myself. You have said NOTHING to me, or confronted me about it at all. What makes you think that you can just go out and say that you want to kill yourself, and that nobody would care? Why don't you just grow up and take things like an adult for once. I have to deal with stress every single day, I go to work as a student and only get 2 days off all to myself. And in those two days, I have Homework, chores, and laundry. In all that time, i have to make time for myself, my boyfriend, and YOU. Be happy that you are even on my list of things i need to spend time with. I haven't seen my friends out of school for 2 Months!"

After that, she just kind of shut up, and i went into my room. 

later that day, she said that she wants to go in Khols, to get a pot, but she told me she would not go alone, so i decided to go with her. All seemed to go well, i even found a really cute winter hat. But my mom realized how expensive the pots and pans were there, so she ended up not getting one, and she got herself a t-shirt, and some sippers. Don't ask me where she gets her money. She owes me like 60 bucks. I'm giving her a bit of a break. If i keep asking for my money, she accuses me of harassing and bullying her. Anywhore, when we were done in there, she drove off, and went to the intersection. you could go left or right, and she usually goes left, and there was a left turn lane, but she wasn't in the left turn lane, and did not have her blinker on. I told her, "you are in the wrong lane." And she completely went off on me, and screamed and yelled at me saying, "I AM IN THE RIGHT LANE!" and slammed on the accelerator, and took a right instead of a left. which was fine for the lane she was in. She kept on yelling at me, telling me how disrespectful and rude i am, and she kept on interrupting me when i tried to explain. When she finally got quiet, I did not apologize and said "I thought that you were going to take a left, so that is why i said that you were in the wrong lane." She yelled at me that i was wrong, and that she would have been in the right lane if she took a left too. I replied saying "but there was a left turn lane for going left." and she screamed back "NO THERE WASN'T. THERE WERE ONLY  TWO LANES, AND THE OTHER LANE WAS THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!" this was really annoying, because there was clearly a left turn lane to turn left on her side of the street, and she was trying to tell me that there was no left turn lane when there was. I said "No, there was a left turn lane there, we can go back and look if you want. I want to know if there was no left turn lane there." She got furious with me, and refused to turn around, and called me crazy, and said that she wasn't ever going to let me drive, because it is too crazy to drive back and find out if i am going to drive like that. Which made no sense, when i really just wanted to know if she was right or not, when i know i saw a left turn lane there. She just kept on yelling at me, while i calmly tried to explain myself. I didn't care at that point. I tried to have the least amount of emotion in my voice as possible, and i was so logical and emotionless while my mom was yelling at me, that i had pissed her off further. She yelled at me saying "WHY ARE YOU SO EMOTIONLESS? YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. YOU ARE ACTING EXACTLY LIKE YOUR DAD. WHY DON'T YOU GO LIVE WITH HIM IF YOU WANT TO BEHAVE LIKE HIM. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, AND YOU DON'T CARE WHAT I DO FOR YOU, AND REVOLVING MY LIFE AROUND YOU IS RUINING MY LIFE!" Then she said she was going to kill herself, and she said that i needed to live with my dad. She tried to drive me to my grandmas house saying that she cant take me anymore. I told her "Don't you think i should get some of my things first? I have school tomorrow." and she flat out said "no". and then i said, "well don't you think that's a bit selfish? I cant even get my pajamas, or my backpack?" she then said she didn't care. then i said, "my grandparents are old... They cant wake up every day at 6 in the morning to get me to school." She then stopped the car and said "Then convince me to go back home and turn around." I replied and said,  "I can't convince you to do anything, and i'm not going to tell you that i am sorry and everything is my fault, just to make you satisfied and take me back home. There was a long pause and then i said "I already said, that i thought that you were going to take a left, that is why i said that you were in the wrong lane. I don't know why you are still so upset over such a little thing." She turned the car around and she said  that anyone would get really pissed off if somebody accused them of being in the wrong lane. She asked me how i would fee if somebody told me i was in the wrong lane lane when i wasn't. I said, "Well, for starters, i would not get mad at all. Getting mad behind the wheel can be dangerous. I would think about what i had done, and would think about any errors i made, or if i didn't even realize i had made a mistake. I would go back to the place i had turned, and redo the turn so i know if i had made a mistake or not. And if i had made  a mistake, i would do it the right way." She was so mad at me, the rest of the way home she drove angry and told me how bad of a driver i was going to be. I just stood there in the car, knowing that when my mom gets this mad, it means i had won over her argument, with logic. This was the first time i had felt no emotion to her harsh words and i had no emotion to my words, which made her extremely angry, because it had not hurt me. 

The DREADED letter

For all my readers, Thank you so much for the support and kindness that you have shown towards my blog. It was so hard for me to actually sit down and take the time to write detailed blogs about my mother. I am so glad i had started this blog, because i have found new hope and support from all of the kind people who read my blogs. I know this blog can be a bit depressing sometimes, and especially for all those who have gone through similar situations as i am going through. I will try to end my blogs on a happy note, instead of thinking about the negative things, i can add something positive to my stream of thoughts. 

The letter my mom wrote: She wrote this letter on the back a piece of paper that she typed up for things and qualities that she thinks she has as well as what she thinks other people thinks she has. 

It reads:

"What people in work internship think about Jennifer s."

 (yes, she changed her last name to her maiden name)

"comfortable with white coats/doctors:"

""you're in the right job""

""wow, i can tell you really like working here""

""how do you think you would feel about working here?""

""I like you. we hope you'll stay""

""You do good work""

""you're very ethical""

"kind and caring"

"sweet"

"gentle"

"thorough at cleaning"

"good manners"

"dispose of things in proper bins"

"observant"

"follow instructions"

"pretty eyes"

"clean [personal hygiene]"

This list just makes me laugh. She was at an internship at a dermatology clinic about 2 years ago. Every day when she came home, she would complain to me about how people didn't like her there, and they NEVER asked her for a job there, or else she would have been working there for at least a week, before she got fired. She is always sweet, and kind and helpful around new, or people with more power than her. She is EXTREMELY good at hiding her Narcissism, towards people she wants to make a good impression on. 

Now, on the the letter on the back, than she freehand wrote to me. It reads:

"To my dear Amber,

My heart is filled with pain. I have so many questions in my mind, why you called CPS on me right after we moved into this apartment. I don't feel getting upset or mad about something is a good reason to report me as your caring, loving mother to "child protective services." I am so confused why you did this and it has affected my social life as a mother in Kent. I have always been protective and a "good" mother to you. I never imagined in my lifetime that my own daughter would do that to me. "Parents" get upset at their kids and get in arguments. "Thats normal". it is "not" a reason to call up agencies and get me into trouble because i "told you off" about something. I had to know "why" when i ask you if "DREW" hates me, why you do not  answer me honestly? And why his mother is so "COLD" to me? What is going on with them? They have "always" been this way with me and i dont understand why. I love you, and i am, and i have stayed in "Kent" so you can go to "KENTWOOD" (my school) and finish there. But you dont want to talk to me ever, and you don't seem to have "any" respect for me as a living human being anymore, even though i am working now, and you treat me like everything i do is wrong, and i am "invalid." I need to know "why"?"

I am going to go through each part of this letter, and dissect it. 

This letter just makes me laugh also. I don't know the reason why she put quotes on a lot of her word choices, But i think it is so ironic and funny that she put quotes around "good" mother. 

Throughout this entire letter, there is no mention whatsoever of how i have been feeling, and she gave this letter to me after i explained to her how i felt like i wanted to kill myself that one day. She makes a point to address the letter in the nicest way possible, to grab my attention to actually reading what she had to say. good on her part, because the "to my dear Amber" did draw me into reading it.

I was thinking about calling CPS sooner, but i didn't have the guts, and i had hoped that when i got back from the vacation at my dads, everything would be a bit calmer, and my mom would settle down and be nice to me for just a little bit. But as soon as i got home, i realized how bad my mom was, compared to me living with my dad for 2 months. She had moved while i was gone, which i was aware of, but i had told her not to throw away ANYTHING of my belongings. Of course, as i had expected, she had thrown away a bit of my stuff, that she didn't think i would notice. On the second day back from my dads, she tried to take wine in a coffee mug with her driving. I put it back in the fridge, but without me knowing, she took it with her, and it was empty by the time we got to visit my grandparents. She was driving very oddly, and was very tense in the car. She had said something that upset me quite a bit, i don't remember what she had said, because i block things out. but when i found that she had brought her wine with her in the car, i started sobbing, because she had never done something that crazy before, and she just left me in the car while she visited my grandparents, and asked for more money greedily.  I told my boyfriend of how my mom was acting, (drinking, too many conspiracy theories, staying up late at night crying loudly, not allowing my own opinion, etc...) and my boyfriend decided to tell his mom, who called CPS for me. My mom does not know that Drew's mom decided to call CPS and not me, because my mom would not let me see Drew anymore, and probably cause drama between her and his mom. 

My mom talks about how i had ruined her social life in Kent, because i had called CPS on her. CPS is a very confidential thing, and i had not told anyone else about my mother except for my boyfriend. so there is really no way for her social life to be ruined if nobody even knows that she had a bit of CPS in her hands. The world that i have known, does not care for rumors and garbage outside of high school like that. 

She says that she is a caring loving mother. Now this, is partially true. She WAS a caring and loving mother when i was young. she still had her flaws, but she cared enough that she tried her best to keep her negativity to herself when i was growing up. But now that i am older, she has this twisted view of who i am as a person. She expects me to come up to her and hug her, and snuggle her when she is upset, like i used to do when i was a child. And if i don't comfort her, and i don't always talk to her and act all bubbly and joyful, she accuses me of hating her, and creates a big dramatized argument, where no matter what i say to her, she will not listen. I try to go out of my way to make my mom a little less miserable, but i am a young adult now, and i have grown to have my own problems in life, and i need my own personal space to resolve and organize my thoughts and feelings as much as i can. I have problems with dealing with stress already, but my mom is kind of like the cherry on top of my stress sundae. But the cherry is 10 times the size of the actual ice cream sundae.

She has finally gotten a job, after 3 to 4 years of being unemployed, she went to college, and got a medical assistant degree, and did her internship, but never looked hard enough to actually get a job in the field that she had went to school for. She has a job, but its minimum wage, and she only works on weekends. She almost got fired yesterday, (as she was telling me for about 2 hours) she said she made an error, but could not explain herself very well, and she also said she was trying to text me back during work, and she got caught with her phone out. She thinks there is a big conspiracy theory that the manager knows where she lives, and that he does not approve of where she lives. And many other paranoid thoughts. 

ending on a good note, I went to my sanctuary house yesterday (the drew paradise house) for practically the whole entire day. It was great. I got to take a long nap, (which i needed badly) and watched Drew play a bit of his favorite games on his steam account. I don't know why girls don't like their boyfriends playing video games. i think its quite entertaining, and i trust him enough not to go out on an online date with some chick he hardly knows. lol.

Annoyance

Annoyance

My mom gave me a letter yesterday night, that was absolutely paranoid, and extremely ridiculous. I gave it to my boyfriend so he could examine it further, but ill post her letter on here as soon as i can. 

When i came home from school, my mom was sitting in her bed with puffy eyes and told me that she went to the ER because she said that her eyes were too puffy. 

That's not really something that you go to the ER for... she was really upset last night, and probably rubbing her eyes too much. Anywhore, She decided that it was serious enough to get the attention of ER medical professionals for her puffy eyes. 

Its funny, that i have been having really bad neck pain for the past month, and it probably hurts 5 times worse than her puffy eyes, and i wasn't screaming a yelping in pain, and going to the ER to get medical attention. 

she is so ridiculous...

ill post the letter tomorrow sometime.


EDIT:
My mom came home from the store with my grandma, and came home with a lounge chair for our bare living room, and i helped her bring it up the steppes, and she went back outside to get a few things. I cooked a TV dinner (since my mom threw out our cooking supplies) and i went into my room to start on my homework. My mom came into my room, and asked me why i wasn't out there spending time with her. And i told her i had homework to do, and i was very busy. she started yelling at me, and wouldn't let me say anything. She told me that she just got home, and she was at the hospital all day, and she accused me of not caring for her, and not respecting her, and she accused me of hating her, and that my boyfriend hates her. She demanded for me to reply in written form to the repulsive letter she gave me last night, and that i have to reply by tonight. She told me that i need to go live with my dad, because she cant stand it here because i don't care, and i never talk to her. 

Early Bird sobbing

Early bird sobbing

So, around 4 in the morning, i woke up to my mom sobbing and whining EXTREMELY loud. It was so loud that i bet more people in our apartment building could hear it. I don't know why my mom was sobbing, but she was yelling over and over again, "OWWWW, OWWW, OWWWWWWWWWWW, OWWWWWW..."

i know that i had not hurt her, so if she was hurt, she did it herself. I figured it was just to get my attention, and she wanted me to go into her room so she could yell at me some more. The sobbing sounded extremely fake, and it sounded forced, like she didn't really feel at all as bad as she was claiming through the wailing sobs. So i Ignored her, and she wailed on for about half an hour or so. 

when she finally stopped, it was 5:00, and i tried to enjoy the last hour of rest that i had before i woke up to get ready for school at 6. About half an hour later, i herd her stomp into the living room, and i was so scared, i thought she was going to grab a knife from the kitchen and come into my room and  stab me to death or something. When she did stomp into my room, i was so scared. Luckily, she didn't have a knife, and she just demanded for the Motrin i had in my room for my severe neck pain that i went to the doctors for. she came in and got it, and said as she was leaving: "you need to stop slamming the door in my face." and then she left. I herd her take a bunch of pills, and then she started sobbing again, and making loud obnoxious noises.

I will be extremely tired at school today. wish me luck. ._.

Out of place

Out of place

So lately my mom has been a bit better. Until today. Today she attacked me. 

I went to take out the trash, but i looked in the trash to find all of our Ikea pots and pans that we bought last month in the trash. I don't understand my moms logic, but she told me that Ikea pots and pans are made for a specific type of stove, and that they are not made for our stove, because our stove is too old. I told her that that was ridiculous, and that i use the pots all the time on our stove and they are fine. So i took them out of the garbage and set them on the counter next to the sink. What i didn't know is that my mom had cleaned a space off where the dishes are supposed to go, for her coffee pot. the pans were not touching the coffee pot in any way. She yelled at me for putting the pans on the counter claiming that they were too dirty to be put there next to the cleaned space for her coffee pot. She asked me why i never listen to her, and why i don't obey what she does. I told her that the pots where perfectly fine, and that there was no reason whatsoever to throw them out, and i told her that i didn't know that she set up the coffee machine right next to the dishes, and i just put the pots there to wash later. It didn't matter what i said to her, because she doesn't care about what i have to say. she is always right no matter what. If i had put the pots in the sink, she would have gotten mad at me for putting them in the sink. She threw the pots back in the garbage, and took the garbage out. so now we have no pots or pans to cook anything with. 

Later, I went with my mom to pick up a prescription at rite aid drug store, and i was looking at chap-stick when my mom came up to me with an eyeliner pencil and asked if i could buy it for her. It was one of the more expensive roll up eyeliners instead of the pencil. I asked her why she needed it, and she said she has work in two days, and wants to look professional. when i asked why i cant buy her one of the 99 cent eyeliners, she said that her eyes are really sensitive and that she cant wear those kind. so i ended up buying her a 5 dollar eye liner roll up, and she already owes me like 55 bucks. And if i didn't buy it for her, she would have a hissy fit.

when i got home, i was eating a disgusting TV dinner that my mom bought for me, and she made me sit and eat it at the table with her... but she talks non-stop, and when i try to talk to her, i feel like she goes in wonderland and stops listening to me, and when i am done, she brings up a completely new topic from her life. so when i was done eating, i threw my tv dinner in the trash, and told her i was going into my room to relax. She didn't say anything in reply, so i went into my room and closed the door. About 5 minutes later, she opens my door holding the trash can and asked me why i put food in the trash when there wasn't a trash bag in it. I didn't know that there wasn't a trash bag in the garbage, and i saw other things in the trash when i threw my things in there, so i figured it was fine. I told her that i was sorry, and that i didn't know there wasn't a trash bag. She proceeded to chew me out more, and she told me that it is really disrespectful, and that i need to respect her more, and that it is really bitchy and rude to make her clean and that she has to do all the work all the time. she was screaming and screaming at me, and i kept on telling her in a calm voice, i am sorry, please stop yelling at me. Over and over, until i snapped, and a mean evil Amber came out. I yelled at her back to shut up. at that moment, i wanted to slap her, and slammed my door instead. I wanted to be left alone. I felt so hurt, and so manipulated, she kept on screaming at me through my barricaded door, telling me how worthless i am, and how i ruined her life by calling CPS on her. At that point i was sobbing in a corner. I yelled at her that i wanted to kill myself. I felt utterly defeated, like nothing i do will make my mom happy, like i am just a miserable failure misfit. She had no soft spot for me telling her i wanted to kill myself. she just continued to spit vile words into my ears through my door. If i had something to kill myself in my room, i would have grabbed it. My mom got what she wanted. She wanted to manipulate me, and make me feel like a misfit, that doesn't belong anywhere. The yelling finally stopped, and i herd her washing the garbage out in my bathroom tub, just to execute her point further. 

15 minutes later she pushes my door open, and says in the calmest voice "I seriously need you to think about living with your dad. I don't feel welcome here,  and the only reason i live in Kent is because of you, so that you can stay close to your boyfriend and school. But what is the point if you are turning everyone against me, and i cant even get the job i was trained for because of you. Your boyfriend and his mom hate my guts, and i need to know why you would call CPS on me."

I said nothing, and she left to go run "errands" 

I have school tomorrow, and i feel extremely depressed, and my eyes are puffy and red from crying. I guess i will just go to school in the morning, and ignore my mom as much as possible... although i doubt it will work since i live in the same place as her since i am a minor, and i don't have a job, or know how to live out on my own. 

wish me good luck, cause i tend to have bad luck with EVERYTHING 

Just Another stereotypical Saturday

My mom came home from work, and wanted to go see a movie with me, and she asked me to pay for it since she has no money. I hadn't been out of the house since Halloween, so i agreed to go see a movie. We saw mortal instruments, city of bones, and i had read the entire series already, so i wanted to see the movie. It was alright, kind of cheesy in parts, and they made all the characters look Gothic, which i had not imagined in the book, but it was overall a good story. After the movie, we went into the car, and i noticed the huge Harley Davidson motorbike building, and i said "wow, that's a pretty big building." My mom replied saying "I don't like Harley Davidson bikes, they are ugly, and bad." I said "well i think Harley bikes are pretty cool!" then my mom said "the people that have those bikes are very bad people." i told her that that was kind of stereotypical, and that not all of them are bad. in fact, i think most people who would own a motor bike aren't bad at all, but just cause they have a motor bike, it automatically makes them bad? it makes no sense. she got angry at me, and said that she might be stereotyping, but that its her own opinion. i said okay.

as she was driving i could feel how tense she was, and i could tell she was about to say one of her crazy things again. She asked me "WHY don't you believe in god anymore?"

Me: "of course i believe in god" ( i want to believe in him, but i question my faith a lot. i'm just saying all this stuff so my mom doesn't scream at me and call me evil.)

Mom: "well you don't act like you believe in god. you don't pray, you don't go to church with me every Sunday, you don't want to."

Me: "yes, i do pray" 

Mom: "but you wont go to church with me."

Me: "you hardly ever ask me to go to church with you. And you don't go to church often either."

Mom: "when i ask you, you say you are too tired. so you don't want to go."

Me: "that doesn't mean i don't want to, that means that i am tired, and i want to sleep."

She then started a whole new argument, saying: "Why do you worship your dad working as a manager of a liquor store?! Its wrong!"

Me: "I don't WORSHIP him, or his job. Its just a job."

Mom: "why do you support him, he has given you clothing items with liquor brands on the front. why do you wear them, and you wont let me throw them away!"

Me: "I have NEVER worn those shirts out in public, they are huge and baggy on me. I wear them as night shirts sometimes. Why should there be a problem with me wearing it as a night shirt? its just a shirt. i throw on shirts for bed."

Mom: "you have a hat that your dad gave you with a liquor name brand on the front of it."

Me: "yes? he gave me that hat. But how often do you see me wearing hats like that? NEVER. I have never EVER worn that hat, its just sitting in my very mini collection of hats that i don't wear."

After that there was a long pause in the car, and then she asked me (more like demanded) for me to go to church with her tomorrow morning. I said sure, and she said "really?" and i said sure again. 

and then she got all super sweet and happy that i am going to church with her tomorrow. 

she said she was hungry, so i went into Safeway for her, and bought her requested food items with my own money, and i had to wait in line for 30 minutes cause this obese lady in front of me was cashing a whole bunch of checks, and had 20 bunches of banana, 4 gallons of milk, 5 boxes of cereal, a whole bunch of cookies, and a lot of other stuff, and she wanted to pay for everything separately, and could barely finish buying the cookies with her food stamps.

As me and my mom were driving home, some guy was tail-gating us, and we turned a sharp corner on a yellow light to get rid of him, and he RAN a red light and he was following us! my mom zigged around, and we pulled over and let him pass us. What an asswhipe jerk face. I don't know what the Fuck his problem was. i'm glad he didn't turn around and follow us home. 

Great. cya. 

Am I the one whos to blame?

When i was a little girl, life was great. I had plenty of friends, and i was loved and adored my most everyone who met me.  I hardly remember any times that i was ever miserable, and I loved my mother so much, that i slept with her until i was 10 or so. i never really thought there was something wrong with my mom back in the day. she always tried to do her best. Sometimes i would wonder why she would be so paranoid about little things, but she was very protective of me growing up, and i never ever would think of my mom badly back then. but once i got into middle school, things started to change. My body was changing, I started to like boys, and on top of that, i started to have my own mindset, and realized how uneducated i was compared to other kids. I could barely pass my math class in 8th grade. I think that my mom had babied me so much, that she failed to teach me much of anything when i was younger. 

Today, i had a relatively boring day, basically sitting on my computer and organizing things. later me and my mom went to the store, because she needed a few things. What i don't understand is why i have to follow her no matter where she goes, and she will not let me go alone and get the things that i need from the store by myself. If i try to argue, or ask why, she yells at me in the middle of the store, which I think is ridiculous and embarrassing. I am 18 in four months, you'd think i should be able to walk around in a store by myself. so when she was finally done, and paying for her stuff, i told her that i would be in the face health section. she said okay, so i went and found the things that i wanted to get, and went back to pay for them. I saw my mom waiting for me on the other side, but she was looking for me in the wrong direction. I called out her name, but she wasn't seeming to hear me, and it was my turn to pay for things, so i payed for my things, and i was expecting my mom to be in the same spot, but she had vanished. i looked around and couldn't see her, so i figured she probably walked to the car to wait for me. so i walked out there, and she wasn't there, and i walked back, and there she was walking towards me. As soon as she saw me, she started yelling at me, asking why i would do that to her, and that she was looking around all over for me, but i was right in front of her, and even yelled out her name a few times. She called me a spoiled brat a few times, and told me i ruined her mood, and her enjoyable shopping trip. I said sorry, and she made me say that i would never wander off again. But i TOLD her where i was going, and she confirmed it with me, and she was not responding to my yelling when i was paying for things. 

Maybe i am just a spoiled brat. She is right. I get almost anything i want (things wise) and i am VERY blunt, which can be mistaken as rude and bitchy. 

i wasn't always blunt, But with my mom, and my family, i can be very blunt sometimes, and i can express my feelings, and not care about what anyone else thinks about them. My mom doesn't like that about me at all, and she always tells me she wishes for the "old, cute, sweet" Amber back.